And we're off

We have started our IUI cycle! Currently on Fertomid from CD5 to CD9 as well as Gonal-F Injections. Will scan again on CD11. Will keep you posted on the progress. Please keep us in your prayers.

I am back

Check out my newly revamped look! I am back in blogland.
Watch this space!

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN
By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ

That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.

'When I say.... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'

I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide..

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...

I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Dear God

Dear God, you know my heart and you know how much I yearn to have a child. Through You all things are possible and I trust in Your promises. I have faith that You will bless us with a baby. But God, I am struggling today. I am feeling overwhelmed, irritable and a little bit angry. I am not angry at anyone in particular but I am angry. I want a baby so badly and I am having trouble coping. I want to be a mommy Lord. Angus Buchan prayed for all the childless couples on Saturday and it gave me so much new hope. But today, 2 days later I am starting to feel negative again. Lord, please help me through this time. Help me to understand that it might not be now, but it will happen some day. Help me to accept the results of this cycle without being bitter. If this cycle if a BFP Lord, please help me to stay positive and keep the worries away from me. Please help me to cope with a new pregnancy. Lord, I need to feel your presence, especially now. Thank You for all the blessings in my life. Thank You for loving me and forgiving me of all my sins. Thank You for a wonderful husband, loving parents, great friends and most all wonderful on-line friends. Lord, please bear the cross with every childless woman that I know. Please help each woman to find some peace in You. Help them to cope with the pain of infertility and loss. Please help their husbands who silently yearn for children too.

Thank You that we can put our faith in You. We serve a Mighty God. With Love, Your Child.

Walk Through

Walk Through
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me…"(Psalm 23:4, NKJ)
TODAY'S WORD
In the Bible, David went through some dark times in his life. But notice in this verse that he didn´t say,"I´m going to sit in this dark, challenging place, this shadow of death, and have myself a pity party." No he said, "I´m not staying here! I´m going to walk right through this situation because God is with me!" Are you going through a dark time right now? If you´ll make up your mind and be determined to walk through, knowing that God is with you, you will see things turn around in your favor.
Oftentimes, those difficult situations don´t make sense. We can have a lot of questions. Sometimes those questions get answered, and sometimes they don´t. But that´s when we have to be willing to trust God and know that He is with us. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us, especially in the dark times. So be encouraged today because God is on your side and by your side. He is your light in dark places. As you trust in Him, He will lead and guide you into the wonderful place of blessing He has prepared for you!
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in Heaven, today I choose to follow You, knowing that you make Your Word a lamp to my feet and a light upon my path. I will be bold and not afraid, knowing that You are always with me even when it´s difficult for me to see. Thank you for the courage to keep walking even through the darkest times. I thank You for Your comfort and presence to guide me into the life of abundant blessing and victory you have for me. In Jesus´ Name. Amen."

Give your Faith a Target

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see"(Hebrews 11:1, NLT)

TODAY'S WORD
So many people today are depressed and discouraged because they only focus on their present circumstances. They’re constantly dwelling on their problems, what they don’t have, and what’s wrong with them. They don’t realize it, but they’re allowing the enemy to steal their hope. This negative frame of mind is what keeps people from moving forward in life.
Understand today that faith is confidence and assurance about the things we hope for according to the promises of God. Like an arrow, your faith points to the target of hope. If you don’t have hope, that arrow of faith will just drop to the ground. It won’t accomplish anything. But, when you keep your hopes up, when you keep expecting and keep believing, it’s as if that target gets larger and larger—easier to hit!Choose today to live with an attitude of expectancy. Get your hopes up! Start by taking captive any negative thoughts you may have one at a time. As you focus on God’s goodness and faithfulness, you’ll feel that hope inside you growing. You’ll give your faith a target, and you’ll move confidently into the blessings and peace the Lord has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, today I surrender every thought to You. I choose to release my cares and concerns so I can focus on Your goodness in my life. Thank You for the gift of faith to see the impossible become possible as I continue to place my hope and confidence in You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Guess What????????

Guess what girls???? I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! (Picture me jumping up and down every time I think about this!!!)

I had my appointment with Dr F this morning. I showed him the test results I did for Dr V and he suggested we try Clomid (A Seriously big WTF??? moment - this is the same doctor who once told me I was too fertile for Clomid and the likes) and FSH injectables and then try making our babe the old fashioned way. I start Clomid on Thursday (beware readers I might just turn into Clomid bitch), I will then have my first shot on Friday and the second one on Sunday. I go back for my CD10 scan next Tuesday and then I get my trigger shot either next Friday or Saturday. We then have the whole weekend to introduce hubbies sperm to my egg/s. (We will not be participating in any braais, rugby games or other social events, because we will be "busy")
I am super excited!!!!!

PS for those who are insulted by my newbie barbie excitement, catch a hike ladies because I am going to be jumping for joy at the end of the month when I get my BFP after our FIRST medicated cycle!!!!!

The nicest thing ANYBODY has EVER done for me

I got a package in the post today....
I had tears in my eyes because it is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me. My fellow infertility friend and internet sister, Leslie, sent me a gorgeous album and lots of beautiful scrap booking goodies so that I can make an album of all Hayleigh's things. She put so much effort and and love into it. I could just feel how much she cared as I opened it. Leslie has been there for me, during this journey and she has always managed to support and understand me.

Leslie, thank you so much for this wonderful gift and for the handwritten note. It means so much to me. You have touched my heart and you have made me realise that there are people out there who really truly understand what it means to yearn for a child and that there are great lasting friendships that can be built over miles of distance, and mean so much more than the friendships we have with people we see every day. I will always think of you when I look at the album.

I pray that God will bless you soon with the baby you so much yearn for and richly deserve. If ever there was someone who would be a great mommy, it is you. I can just see/feel it in the way you have been there for me.

Lots of love to you my friend. Live strong.

My family

The handsome hunter...

My super sexy hero

My two babies, they just love to snuggle!

Aren't they just gorgeous?

Monday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 87 kg
Current Wieght: 87 kg
Goal Weight: 70 kg
Progress: 0 kg

As you can see, no progress. Okay, Okay I have to admit I was a very bad girl over the weekend.
On Friday night I had Chinese Take out - I especially ordered the Chop-Suey which is mostly veggies and it was divine, so I ate it all. Then on Saturday I had Tuna salad, but then I cheated by indulging in a flake. Saturday evening was just as bad because I had curry stew and 2 pieces of Cheesecake and wine. Sunday was just as bad. We were invited to a family lunch and I had fish soup, 2 filled pancakes (one with mince and cheese and one with chicken and green peppers), and then for desert I had two chocolate pancakes filled with banana and caramel sauce. I must say I ate the least of everyone at our table, but it was still way too much for someone trying to lose 17kgs. So basically I spoiled all the progress I made in the week. Ah well. today is the start of another week.
I have realised this one thing: that I LOVE food. Almost more than life itself.

Monday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 87 kg

Current Wieght: 87 kg

Goal Weight: 70 kg

Progress: 0 kg

As you can see I have not made any progress so far. I am starting with a 5 day detox and then a healthy balanced diet with the tips Nikki gave me as well as some other I have gatehered from my readers. I will be doing the following as part of the healthy diet plan:

8 glasses of water per day

No Caffeine, No Alcohol

Only limited amounts of brown sugar

Breakfast each and every day upon waking

No refined sugars, starches or white bread

Limited carbohydrates

Lots of veggies

Fruit & Nuts

No gassy drinks

Diluted fruit juice

Lots of lean proteiens

Low fat milk

Low fat Cheese

Very Limited amounts of spices and flavourants

A glass of water before each meal

Exercise at least three times per week for at least 45 min

Muscle toning to excelarate resting metabolic rate

AB crunches

Wish me luck!!! Jahni, I would love to hear from you. Hope you are hanging in there.

We have to get our sexy back!!!

WTF???

I got my period on Friday. Seriously WTF is going on? It's right smack bang in the middle of my cycle on CD 14 and I am taking Climen at the moment, so it's right in the middle of the packet where I switch from Estrogen (the white pills) to Progesterone (the pink pills). Something is seriously not lekker, and the sooner I get to see the gynae on the 27th the better!

Diet Dilemma

Okay, I will admit the diet is not going so well. I cut out all sugars during the day but by night time I am ready to commit murder if I don't get sugar into my body fast enough. And it's bad. Think severe Cocaine addiction and then you might get a very slight idea of how I feel when I get home. The past 2 evenings I caved, and that only makes it worse, so I know I have to stop the vicious cycle somehow.


This is my diet diary since Tuesday:
Breakfast: Weet bix, hot water, sweetener.
Snack: 1 cup Veggie soup
Lunch: Wholewheat Peanut butter sandwich
Dinner: Grilled lamb chop, sweet potato, steamed veggies
Cheat: a Tex

Wednesday
Breakfast: Weetbix, hot water, sweetener.
Lunch: Low GI seed bread with ham and cheese
Dinner: 1 Chicken breast (cooked in woolies sauce), pumkin, peas, rice.
Cheat: 2 Koeksisters and a piece of droe wors

The thing is this, I am not eating that much food, but I am eating the wrong foods.
Check out this blogpost at Fertile Healthy:
http://www.fertilehealthy.com/blog/2009/07/08/im-so-over-that/

It's a lot easier said than done to change your whole eating lifestyle.
One thing that I don't want to use as an excuse, but it is the naked truth, is that DH will never ever compromise his rys, vleis and aartapels for a whole food diet. He also loves his snacks like chips, sweets and coke/tab, and I have tried but failed miserably to conform him. But I am going to try my best to at least eat a bit more healthy in the future. and of course I need to get to the gym!!!

Jahni, I would love to be your diet buddy!!! I think we should weigh in weekly and keep track of our diets, exercise and subsequent progress?

Dear Gillian (aka Nikki)

I just did a whole post and it blooody disapeared!!

Anyhow, I was saying that I ate a whole weetbix this morning for breakfast. (Yay)

Someone just came into my office and offered me a cup of fresh home made vegetable soup.
You did say breakfast was the MOST IMPORTANT meal of the day, so should I or shouldn't I?

I am FAT!!!!!

This is not me in the pic, but I kinda look like the LHS and want to look like the RHS.

I saw a few pictures of myself over the weekend and I was HORRIFIED to see how fat I am!!!!

I am huge!!!! Even my face doesn't look like me!!! I am an obese person!!!

I weigh 87 kg and I am 1.74m in length.

I want to weigh 70 kg, so I have 17 kg to lose. You might think 17kg is not that bad, but tell that to a PCOS patient who has Insulin Resistance. It's like climbing Mount Everest. I used to wear size 36/38 clothes, and now I am wearing size 40/42. I picked up a lot of weight since TTC and I have lost some of it after the second m/c, but I fear it might be creeping back on. I want to be the same woman I was on my wedding day, which was already overweight, but at least I looked okay. The best weight I have ever been as an adult was 62kg, but then I was exercising every single day, and eating much healthier than I am now. People were telling me that I was too slim, so I know getting there again will be a bit of a far cry, but if I can just get back to 70.

So, I am going to keep a food diary, so that I can keep track of what I am eating.

Here goes:

Monday, 6 July 2009

Breakfast - Nothing

8:00

Hot Chocolate (I know!!! We bring our own coffee and tea to work and my coffee is finito)

9:00

One Peanut butter and syrup sandwich (white bread) & tea

Lunch

13:00

Croissant with chicken mayo salad filling and guava juice - eaten on the go, in the car.

1 X Metformin tablet taken with the meal.

13:30

Tea

15:00
Tea
18:00
Dinner
2 pieces of baked fish, one whole avo and a baked potato
one custard slice that hubby bought and brought home (I just couldn't waste it!)
A glass of Tab (We always drink Tab instead of coke, and I drink sweetner in my coffee and tea)

1x Metformin tablet taken wih the meal

I will post a pic tomorrow of my fat cheeks for you all to stare at, and then hopefully in three months time we can look at it again and go, "Wow, look how fat you WERE!!!" Edited to add:
I remembered the camera but forgot the USB connection at home!!!

Anyone with any weight loss or exercises tips, please feel free to comment. I am desperate here and open to any suggestions, even lipo.

In other news

BF Doctor went into labour on Friday at 34 weeks, and Dr F wasn't in town so she was admitted to hospital, they did a PV (internal) exam and found that she wasn't dilated yet, but the head was very very low, and the contractions were quite intense. So they started medication to stop the contractions and steroids to strengthen the lungs. We were supposed to have her Stork Tea at a restaurant in town on Saturday morning but it was moved to the maternity ward at Medi-Clinic. The party was held in the exact same labour theatre where I gave birth and it brought back so many memories. Not in a bad way, but it still made me think of Hayleigh for the rest of the weekend. Dr F is back today so hopefully he will have a plan, but I think it might be best for them to stop the labour for as long as possible. Hopefully little Thalita will be big and healthy enough to escape NICU.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband

You have been in Malawi for 4 days now and normally I don't mind it if you go away, but this time I am really missing you.

I know you are working very hard and I am very proud of you.

I just miss your body next to mine in bed. And I miss talking to you about various things. And I miss eating together in the evenings. And I miss watching TV with you, laughing with you, joking around, lying in your arms, and arguing about the TV channels.

I also miss you at night when Sadie wants to go pee, and when Colby wants his food at 5:00 in the morning. I miss you when I need to lock all the gates and when I need someone to run my bath while I lie in for another 5 minutes. I miss you when I have to make hot chocolate for myself and when I have to carry all the groceries into the house by myself.

In short, I need you here, please come home soon!!

Love
Mandy

TMI: Prison Break

Okay, everyone who doesn't want to know how Prison Break FINALLY ends STOP READING NOW!!!

Nikki,

They steal Scilla from Michael's mom and she then shoots Lincoln in the chest. He is bleeding out and she demands Scilla back. Meanwhile the general has kidnapped Sarah and he wants Scilla within an hour. Michael has to decide who to save. He tricks them both and saves Sarah and Linc. Sarah kills Michael's mother when she tries to kill Michael. Paul (from the 2nd season who tried to drown Sarah once and was the Vice President's lapdog) contacts them through one of the first season's Fox river eight and they sell Scilla to the United Nations for immunity.
They are all safe and free. Then it skips forward 4 years and they all gather around Michael's grave. Sarah has Michael's 3 yr old son with her. They have a little reunion and it ends. So you are left to wonder if Michael died from the brain tumor. Then there is a Final Break episode which starts just after they were set free. During Michael and Sarah's wedding she is arrested for killing Christina and she is sent to prison. In short the General wants her dead and he is in the male prison organising her death. Michael breaks into the prison to help her escape and he is killed. She gets out safely. You cry your eyes out.

Hello there

Hi, sorry that I have been a bit absent lately, but I've been quite busy at work and over the weekend. DH is in Malawi for the week so I am home alone until Saturday. Which means that Colby, Sadie and I will be snuggling up together on the bed tonight while watching Greys and Survivor. We also finished the whole Prison Break series yesterday as well as the "Final Break" episode. In the final episode of the season you get to see what has happened to the characters 4 years later and you get to see them all gather around a grave, but in the "Final Break" episode (which will apparently not be on screened - dunno why???) you get to see what happened to lead up to the events and how that person died. All I can say is that I cried my eyes out. It ends on a very sad note.

I feel like taking a break

I feel like taking a break. A break from infertility. I want to go somewhere where infertility doesn't exist. I read through the forum and the blogs everyday and it just makes me exhausted. I feel a kind of numbness after I've been on the boards. So I think I am going to take a break. I will still be blogging but not about infertility and when I feel up to it I will look at the forum but for now I want my life to be like this:

- I want to live again, without planning for pregnancy in my head the whole time

- I want to go onto the pill, so that my mind can't decieve me with pregnancy symptoms

- I want to have normal cycles

- I want to loose weight

- I want to excercise more regularly

- I want to laugh

- I want to focus on something else

- I want to forget

So my plan is to still go see Dr Fourie, tell him about Dr V and Dr V's advice. Hear what he says.

Oh and I also phoned his receptionist and told her that I had been in contact with Dr V and that he recommends a medicated cycle with Letrazole & Menopur. I asked whether he would do such a cycle if I asked specifically for it and what the costs would be and she said he charges for a consultation, one scan and the the costs of the meds. Which will be R205 per ampule and I wil probably need 3 ampules and R290 for the Letrazole. So all in all if I do a cycle here in Welkom it would cost me R1900.

But, as I said I am a bit tired of infertility at the moment, so I think I'm going to put it at the back of my mind until the end of July.