My TTC journey and Birth Story - Beware TMI

After a lot of thought and deliberation I have decided to share my TTC journey, Birth story and a photo of Hayleigh with you. The photo was taken 12 hours after she was born so it's not quite how she looked when I first saw her. She weighed 620 grams and was 32 cm long. The marks on her feet is ink that they used to make footsprints for us to keep.

So here goes..

I was on the pill for about 10 years. I started taking it in Grade 11 when my periods were not very regular and I suffered from acne. I stayed on the pill the whole time until we got married. At age 21 I started having break through bleeding right in the middle of each cycle, I went to the gynae and he did a lap and came out announcing that I have severe Endometriosis and that he removed most of it with a laser. I was as sick as a dog and vomited from the anaesthesia for days. He then decided to put me on Depo Provera to keep menstruation away, but I started bleeding three days after the injection and it didn’t stop until he put me onto Ovral to counteract the Depo. It was an awful experience and I stayed on the pill again and away from the gynae until just after our wedding.

Just after our wedding I went off the pill and started my period as usual but the period just never ended. 8 Weeks later I was still bleeding so back to the gynae I went. Another Dr this time. He did a sonar, said I have PCOS and ordered blood and glucose tests. He also did a papsmear. I had an appointment for a week later when he would discuss my blood tests with me. When I went back to him he said that there were some serious irregularities on the cervical tissue that they got from the pap smear. He tried to calm me down by telling me it was not cancer but could develop into cancer quickly and easily. He then performed a biopsy of the cervical tissue there in his rooms and sent me home to wait on the results. I went to the appointment alone that day and was crying all the way to the car as I left. I didn’t go back to work either. He also prescribed Climen and Glucophage. The Climen is the same as the pill but it only regulates your hormones without acting as contraception. They phoned me back a week later to come in and see the doctor. DH and I went together this time and he explained to us that he needed to so a Lettz biopsy in theatre where they could scrape out the damaged cells. He assured me that the new healthy cells would grow back over time and that I would have no problem with my cervix when I got pregnant.

We stayed on the Climen for six months and then I had my first normal natural cycle the first month whilst still taking the Glucophage. The next month I was late and thought it was my damn cycles gone all bonkers again but it turned out I was pregnant. We were very very happy. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and was admitted to hospital. The scan showed no heartbeat yet, but my beta was still going up. I was released from hospital after the bleeding stopped and we found a heartbeat at 6 weeks. When I went back for another scan at 9 weeks there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C and we were sent home and told to wait 3 months. We waited for one cycle to go by and then stopped using the condoms thinking we wouldn’t get pregnant without actively trying (you know, without lying with elevated hips and all after BD’ing) but that month I was late again but had terrible back ache so I was sure AF was on her way.

When she didn’t arrive I did a few HPT’s and all were negative. At CD 40 we had an early morning stock take at work and I was very nauseous. I started to vomit and was still vomiting for 4 hours non stop I went to my Dr friend at the ER and she ordered a beta. It came back positive. All went well until 7 weeks when I started to bleed again. I was hospitalised but all went well with the baby and I had light spotting until 13 weeks when I started bleeding profusely again. One morning I was getting out of bed when I noticed blood and just as I stepped out of bed I felt a huge fleshy thing drop right out of me and it was wedged inside my panty. I walked to the bathroom slowly as the blood ran down my legs. I was terrified of pulling down my panties because I expected to see the foetus. I called DH and he rushed home to find the whole passage and bathroom drenched in blood and me sitting on the toilet with my underware still on. I pulled down my panties and a huge golf ball sized fleshy blood clot fell to the floor. We picked it up and it felt like liver. We put it into a cup and took it with to the hospital. I was hospitalised once again and we were sure the baby was dead, but the scan showed a healthy baby still moving about. I stayed in hospital for a week and then when we got home I passed another blood clot like the previous one. Once again we rushed to the Doc’s rooms for a scan and the baby was still healthy. From the first bleed they noticed a big round bleed in the uterine cavity which looked like clotted blood but which could also be a myoma. I was put onto Utrogestan and it seemed to be going away slowly. The rest of the pregnancy was fairly uneventful. We had the baby room about 80% ready. We had a brand new cot, a brand new camping cot and a brand new pram. I had most of the accessories like bottles, teats, dummies, some clothes, blankets, a baby bath etc etc. We were almost ready and I looked forward to resting during the rest of the pregnancy. We had attended the antenatal classes and we were really looking forward to meeting our little girl. I was prepared for an early birth, but figured if we made it to 36 weeks it would be great. Because of the swelling I thought I would not go full term. I had very swollen legs, feet, hands and even swelling in my face, but my urine was clean, I had normal BP and no signs of pre-eclampsia or any other pregnancy-related complications. One Thursday morning when I got out of bed, I had a burning kind of pain on the RHS of my belly and it stayed there throughout the day. I read up about it and it seemed to fit the bill of round ligament pain. We tested my urine and it was clean....

Three days later, on Sunday morning, 18 January 2009, we got up out of bed and I felt a bit sore in the cervical area. I told Rikus about it, but we didn't think much about it and the feeling went away after a while, so we went about our day without much concern. I was exactly 24 weeks pregnant and already had quite a big tummy and was suffering from heartburn 24 hours per day, so I was not the glowing pregnant fairy I had hope to be. I complained a lot about feeling very uncomfortable and even told Rikus that I felt ready to pop. He was used to my complaints by then and didn't think much of it.

We had recently appointed a full time maid to assist me with the housework, the cooking and the baby once she was born, so we were hanging blinds in her room and getting it all ready before she was to move in the next weekend. I also decided it was as good a time as any to unpack the linen closet and organise everything, so that there was more space to pack some of the stuff that I wanted to move out of the baby room. I felt a bit tired and had slight cramps, so we had lunch and I settled in to rest in front of the TV. Rikus had a nap in our bedroom. I eventually fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but woke up a while later and decided to go the the bedroom where I could put the air con on. When I lay down on the bed I felt a sharp pain and couldn't lie down. I tried to relax and lie down again. When I had the sharp pain again I woke Rikus up and told him about it. He wasn't too worried and told to sit up straight if the pain only got worse when lying down. The pain was getting worse and I went back to the lounge and started to cry. Colby realised something was wrong and tried to console me by wanting to get on my lap. After a while I realised the pains were coming and going so I started to time them. I immediately realised I was having contractions when the pain came and went in 5 minute intervals. I went back to the room and woke Rikus up again, and this time he took me seriously because I was crying. I got into the bath while he packed my hospital bag. While I sat in the bath it seemed to go away for a while but I cried and said to Rikus that I cannot go to the hospital to deliver this baby. I was terrified and started praying for the contractions to go away. I calmed down a bit and called my mom. They were in Pretoria where they were having a show day for their house there. There was nothing they could do for me over the phone, but encouraged me to get to the hospital. I also tried to get hold of my friend Christene, who is an ER doctor so that she could meet me there and phone Dr F to come and see me in the labour ward.

When we got to the hospital I had to stop walking every few steps for a contraction to pass and when we got to the maternity ward I explained to the sister that I was 24 weeks pregnant and in a lot of pain and needed my gynae to come and see me. They immediately took me to a labour theatre and called my doctor. The pain was a little better and I started to wonder if I was over reacting. After speaking to Dr F a sister came in and asked my permission to perform a PV exam. I gave my permission and she donned a glove and stuck her whole hand into my vagina to feel if I had started to dilate. It was excruciatingly painful and I screamed at her to stop as she stuck her hand in further and further. I started to retract on the bed and it felt like I was climbing up the wall behind me while she kept moving her hand inside me. She suddenly looked at me with eyes as wide as saucers and then I felt warm amniotic fluid wash over my legs like a wave breaking. I started crying hysterically and I knew it was the beginning of the end. The sister simply announced to Rikus that his wife was now officially in labour. She said I was 10 cm dilated and that the membranes were bulging towards the outside of the cervix. I tried to explain to Rikus through the tears that I knew nothing could be done. Christene arrived and she was furious that my water had broken and the water was still dripping down the sides of the bed. Shortly afterwards my mom's friend Colleen arrived and she prayed for us while we waited for the doctor to arrive. This is when I noticed that the sister had disappeared and I never saw her again. Rikus was sent to admissions to open a file. This infuriated me even more because I wanted him to be there when the Doctor arrived. Soon afterwards Dr F arrived and he ran to get the sonar machine himself. He asked me how much water had come out and when I lifted up the sheet to show him he was furious and got a bit panicky. He said that with all the amniotic fluid gone, we had to get the baby out. There was no stopping the labour or postponing it. He plugged in the sonar machine and did the scan. The first thing I saw on the screen was the heart beating, and he said the baby still looked fine, but that she only weighed 500 grams and that her lungs weren't nearly ready to be able to breathe. He said that even with a ventilator her lungs weren't ready to absorb oxygen into her bloodstream and that she would live for only a few minutes.

We were discussing a C-section while he was doing the scan but after the prognosis he decided not to do a C-section and ordered a drip to start with an induction. When he did a PV it felt instantly different and better than when the sister did it. He said I was 3 cm dilated. I didn't have any pain or contractions anymore, but I sat there crying and wishing Rikus would come back from the damn admissions. By the time he got back the Dr had gone looking for him and I had to tell him myself that the baby was going to die. I still felt her move and I desperately wanted to have a C-section because I was terrified of giving birth to a dead baby and I was not prepared to what a normal birth entailed at all. The youth pastor from our church arrived with his wife (we are very good friends with them and they live five houses from ours). I had sent them an sms, and they announced our situation during the church service that night and the whole church prayed for our baby and for us. I heard afterwards that many of the people we know at our church were in tears while they prayed for us. At that time Dr F came back and explained to me that I should really make peace with the outcome because my baby was not nearly viable, and that there was no way he was willing to do a C-section and cause possible damage to my uterus which could complicate future pregnancies. We made peace with his decision, but I was still terrified of giving birth naturally and I was still feeling Hayleigh move inside of me. My parents and In-laws came to the hospital and we all sat looking at each other without actually knowing what to say. I was very tired at that point and they left us alone and went to my parents' house for coffee. My mom asked us to call her when the contractions got worse. She is a nurse and wanted to be there with me. They began increasing the drip and the contractions started to get really painful. The doctor ordered Pethidine and Aterax when they started the drip, but it had worn off long ago. To me the Pethidine seemed like a total waste because it had absolutely no effect on my level of pain. The contractions became very painful and when I was 7 cm dilated we called my mom. She came in just in time as I was feeling the urge to push at 2h30. They called my doctor and I was quite hysterical already. The emotional state I was in was bad, and the fear and pain I felt was overwhelming. the doctor arrived about 10 minutes afterwards and the sister and my mom was desperately trying to get me to breathe correctly because I was hyper ventilating. I had Rikus holding my right hand and my mom holding my left hand and they were talking me through it but the pain was unbearable. At one stage the nurse looked me in the eye and told me to stop screaming and I just said to her "Well then, Fuck, help me!!" I started to push and it burned like hell as I felt Hayleigh's body move through my cervix. It was the most painful thing I have ever felt in my entire life!! I did not realise it at the time but her feet came out first and is seemed kind of stuck. the Dr gently helped to pull the rest of her tiny body out and it instantly felt better once I felt her slip out of me. I was crying the whole time, but when I felt them putting her down between my legs, to cut the umbilical cord, I couldn't keep it in any longer and I sobbed and sobbed without giving a damn about the other people in the room. It felt as though my heart was ripped apart. In a way I was expecting to hear my baby cry, but when I heard nothing I realised my dead baby was lying between my legs. I remember vaguely something about the doctor saying to give morphine, but I thought they had given it to me. Only afterwards did I start wondering if they gave the morphine to her. I still don't know. I had to keep on pushing to get the placenta out and at this point the doctor was pressing down very hard onto my tummy. I didn't help. He called the Anaesthesiologist and explained that I had to get to theatre immediately. On the way to the theatre I remember the Dr telling me that they would wash Hayleigh and make her presentable and then bring her to me.

I woke up after the D&C and I asked to see her. They brought her in on an instrument trolley lined with linen savers. Rikus, my mom and dad had already seen her. Apparently Rikus was given a few minutes alone with his daughter and apparently my dad broke down crying when he saw her. I didn't cry when I saw her. I was just about cried out, and felt numb. She was beautiful. She didn't look exactly like Rikus as I had expected. she looked a lot like me at first. She had a fine features and perfect skin. The most adorable little hands and feet. All there, all perfectly formed. I turned her head so that I could see her face from the side and she still felt warm. She wasn't blue or as lifeless as I had expected. I didn't think of taking a picture at that time. They washed me, and put me to bed and I slept for about 3 hours while DH went home to rest.

When I woke up, I just lay there thinking it had all just been a bad dream. Just as the tears started to roll down my cheeks Rikus came into my room and we had a good cry together. Soon afterwards my mom and dad arrived again with beautiful flowers and presents. The rest of the day was spent with many visitors and family. I asked to see Hayleigh again at about 15h00 and they brought her in again. My MIL left the room and went home because she didn't want to see Hayleigh and it hurt me because I kept thinking how could she not want to see our child? Oh well. At that stage Hayleigh had already started to get "droopy". Suddenly there were bags under her eyes and she had bruises. She didn't look at all like the baby I saw that morning. This time she looked lifeless. I took a photo and we signed papers to have her incinerated. They gave us a card with silver prints of her feet. The card said she weighed 620 grams. The next morning I left the hospital in my maternity wear. Arms empty. Pregnancy over.