Your jaw will drop

Check this out:

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=98096bfbc280d77852ec

WOW!!!

Ovulation moment caught on camera
HUMAN OVULATION

Ovulation takes place in the tissues of the ovary

These images are the first time the event has been captured in clear detail

The egg is shown emerging from the follicle on the ovary

After release, the egg travels down the Fallopian tube where it can be fertilised

A human egg has been filmed in close-up emerging from the ovary for the first time, captured by chance during a routine operation.
Fertile women release one or more eggs every month, but until now, only animal ovulation has been recorded in detail.
Gynaecologist Dr Jacques Donnez spotted it in progress during a hysterectomy.
The pictures, published in New Scientist magazine, were described as "fascinating" by a UK fertility specialist.
It really is a pivotal moment in the whole process, the beginnings of life in a way
Professor Alan McNeillyMRC Human Reproduction Unit, Edinburgh
Human eggs are produced by follicles, fluid-filled sacs on the side of the ovary, which, around the time of ovulation, produce a reddish protrusion seen in the pictures.
The egg comes from the end of this, surrounded by a jelly-like substance containing cells.
The egg itself is only the size of a full-stop, and the whole ovary, which contains many immature eggs, just a couple of inches long.
They belonged to a 45-year-old Belgian woman, and Dr Donnez, from the Catholic University of Louvain, told New Scientist that the pictures would help scientists understand the mechanisms involved.
He said that some theories had suggested an "explosive" release for the egg, but the ovulation he witnessed took 15 minutes to complete.
Professor Alan McNeilly, from the Medical Research Council's Human Reproduction Unit in Edinburgh, said that this fitted with his own research into the ovulation process.
He said: "It really is a fascinating insight into ovulation, and to see it in real life is an incredibly rare occurrence.
"It really is a pivotal moment in the whole process, the beginnings of life in a way."

Good luck to Marthie

Marthie, I really really hope this is you within the next week!!! May it all go well, and may Baba just blow you away.

Here is a pic of the adorable Nicole Cowley

Ruan And Jahni I hope she is everything you ever dreamed she would be!

I am back!

We are back from our little getaway to Sun City and it was WONDERFUL. We had a really good time and came back late Sunday afternoon. I spent almost the whole of yesterday in bed recovering from the busy weekend. We spent time with my grandparents, went for supper at an Italian restaurant, watched Marley and Me, drove to Sun City, waited in line for the sky train for an hour and a half, had lunch there, played some games, went to the valley of the waves, we swam (yes I got into my cossie and swam), tanned, ate some more, drank some more, Rikus went down the slides, we watched the Miss Nando's and the Little Miss Nando's. Got dressed had a lovely supper at CFM, didn't have the energy to go to the show we had tickets for (Stars in your eyes - by Danny Fisher) crawled into bed and woke up to lovely breakfast in bed the next morning. Drove back to my grandparents house in Rustenburg and spent some more time with them. Came back home in the late afternoon to a dog that was absolutely elated to see us. All in all it was a great weekend.

BUT, I HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS: Jahni had her little girl, Nicole, last night. She is just so adorable. Jahni's water broke at 11h15 and she had an emergency c-section. Mommy, Daddy and Baby are doing VERY well and there was no need for NICU.

It's a very special and a little emotional moment for me to be typing this because Jahni and I shared the same due date (12 May 2009) and I was expecting Hayleigh to arrive over Easter weekend as well. But I am not sad or jealous, like I was expecting to feel. I am more in awe of how drastic everything has changed over the last couple of weeks and how far I have actually come. I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to be holding a baby right now. I have dreamt about it A LOT these last few days, but it feels miles away.

Another baby that is also due on 12 May is a work colleague and his wife's 2nd baby and I have feared their delivery because we were always sharing pregnancy stories, complaints, and hopes and their delivery is very close to my heart. I am sure I will be fine with it all, but I still feel a bit cheated and left out, and it makes it all so real.

DH is leaving again tomorrow for Randfontein and then he will be off to Lesotho for the whole of next week. He is looking forward to it very much and I am looking forward to sleeping in the middle of the bed for more than a week (yes I know we should get a queen size). I do miss him a lot when he is gone and we appreciate each other so much more when he comes back, so in the end it's actually a good thing. Colby is always restless when his master is not there, but he just has to cope this time because I am not getting up at all hours of the night/morning to open the door for him. He usually just walks to the garage to check if Rikus is back yet, and then we go back to sleep again, but the nightly checking is going to have to stop because it drives me crazy and he should get used to it now.

The diet was left at home over the weekend but I guess today it's back to watching what I eat again, and off course I have to get back to the gym tomorrow with my gym partner Carli, at least when we gym togehter we don't play around. I see some sore muscles in my not too distant future...

Happy Easter

You might ask why I posted this picture instead of the customary cute Easter bunny, but in my eyes this is what Easter is all about. The ultimate sacrifice. Would you sacrifice your child?

We will be visiting my grandparents tomorrow, and then we will be going to Sun City for the rest of the weekend. I cannot wait, I am very excited. I promise to take lots of pictures and post them on Monday night.

Please travel safely, if any of you are going to be on the roads.

Mwah!

Frustrated

I am so frustrated with my weight at the moment. Last night I was taking pictures of Colby as the three of us were playing on the bed. For some reason Colby sits perfectly still until I pull out the camera and then every time I aim it at him he jumps off the bed runs down the passage and comes and jumps onto the bed again in high speed and every time he tries to do it a bit faster than the previous time. After a while I realised he sees himself in the camera lens and it sends him into a flat spin. So anyway, DH and I took some pictures of ourselves, just fooling around, and I was disgusted at seeing myself in those pictures. Ladies it is bad. I have never been this fat in my whole life and my whole face looks like a fat person's face. It is 11 weeks since Hayleigh's birth and I have not made nearly enough progress. Yes, I fit into some of my old clothes, but I am still not even near where I was when we got married. I need to lose 20 kg and nothing seems to be working. I have been going to the gym, I have tried doing the proteien diet thing, the low GI diet thing, I have cut out almost all the sugar in my diet, and still the scale is not budging. So as a bit of motivation DH said we should take a before picture (it is ghastly and I will never post it on here) and then work together on losing the weight and hopefully we will have a better after picture to compare with the before picture. So it's the start of the new me today. I think with that decision also comes with a bit of a postponement on the TTC side of my life... but we'll see how long we can keep going before the TTC monster attacks.

I also saw my friend Beth yesterday and she is really having a hard time lately. She has suffered 3 first trimester m/c's and it has been 9 months since her last m/c. She desperately want sto get pregnant again, but it's just not happening. Be strong Beth! It will happen, I know it will.

My TTC journey and Birth Story - Beware TMI

After a lot of thought and deliberation I have decided to share my TTC journey, Birth story and a photo of Hayleigh with you. The photo was taken 12 hours after she was born so it's not quite how she looked when I first saw her. She weighed 620 grams and was 32 cm long. The marks on her feet is ink that they used to make footsprints for us to keep.

So here goes..

I was on the pill for about 10 years. I started taking it in Grade 11 when my periods were not very regular and I suffered from acne. I stayed on the pill the whole time until we got married. At age 21 I started having break through bleeding right in the middle of each cycle, I went to the gynae and he did a lap and came out announcing that I have severe Endometriosis and that he removed most of it with a laser. I was as sick as a dog and vomited from the anaesthesia for days. He then decided to put me on Depo Provera to keep menstruation away, but I started bleeding three days after the injection and it didn’t stop until he put me onto Ovral to counteract the Depo. It was an awful experience and I stayed on the pill again and away from the gynae until just after our wedding.

Just after our wedding I went off the pill and started my period as usual but the period just never ended. 8 Weeks later I was still bleeding so back to the gynae I went. Another Dr this time. He did a sonar, said I have PCOS and ordered blood and glucose tests. He also did a papsmear. I had an appointment for a week later when he would discuss my blood tests with me. When I went back to him he said that there were some serious irregularities on the cervical tissue that they got from the pap smear. He tried to calm me down by telling me it was not cancer but could develop into cancer quickly and easily. He then performed a biopsy of the cervical tissue there in his rooms and sent me home to wait on the results. I went to the appointment alone that day and was crying all the way to the car as I left. I didn’t go back to work either. He also prescribed Climen and Glucophage. The Climen is the same as the pill but it only regulates your hormones without acting as contraception. They phoned me back a week later to come in and see the doctor. DH and I went together this time and he explained to us that he needed to so a Lettz biopsy in theatre where they could scrape out the damaged cells. He assured me that the new healthy cells would grow back over time and that I would have no problem with my cervix when I got pregnant.

We stayed on the Climen for six months and then I had my first normal natural cycle the first month whilst still taking the Glucophage. The next month I was late and thought it was my damn cycles gone all bonkers again but it turned out I was pregnant. We were very very happy. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and was admitted to hospital. The scan showed no heartbeat yet, but my beta was still going up. I was released from hospital after the bleeding stopped and we found a heartbeat at 6 weeks. When I went back for another scan at 9 weeks there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C and we were sent home and told to wait 3 months. We waited for one cycle to go by and then stopped using the condoms thinking we wouldn’t get pregnant without actively trying (you know, without lying with elevated hips and all after BD’ing) but that month I was late again but had terrible back ache so I was sure AF was on her way.

When she didn’t arrive I did a few HPT’s and all were negative. At CD 40 we had an early morning stock take at work and I was very nauseous. I started to vomit and was still vomiting for 4 hours non stop I went to my Dr friend at the ER and she ordered a beta. It came back positive. All went well until 7 weeks when I started to bleed again. I was hospitalised but all went well with the baby and I had light spotting until 13 weeks when I started bleeding profusely again. One morning I was getting out of bed when I noticed blood and just as I stepped out of bed I felt a huge fleshy thing drop right out of me and it was wedged inside my panty. I walked to the bathroom slowly as the blood ran down my legs. I was terrified of pulling down my panties because I expected to see the foetus. I called DH and he rushed home to find the whole passage and bathroom drenched in blood and me sitting on the toilet with my underware still on. I pulled down my panties and a huge golf ball sized fleshy blood clot fell to the floor. We picked it up and it felt like liver. We put it into a cup and took it with to the hospital. I was hospitalised once again and we were sure the baby was dead, but the scan showed a healthy baby still moving about. I stayed in hospital for a week and then when we got home I passed another blood clot like the previous one. Once again we rushed to the Doc’s rooms for a scan and the baby was still healthy. From the first bleed they noticed a big round bleed in the uterine cavity which looked like clotted blood but which could also be a myoma. I was put onto Utrogestan and it seemed to be going away slowly. The rest of the pregnancy was fairly uneventful. We had the baby room about 80% ready. We had a brand new cot, a brand new camping cot and a brand new pram. I had most of the accessories like bottles, teats, dummies, some clothes, blankets, a baby bath etc etc. We were almost ready and I looked forward to resting during the rest of the pregnancy. We had attended the antenatal classes and we were really looking forward to meeting our little girl. I was prepared for an early birth, but figured if we made it to 36 weeks it would be great. Because of the swelling I thought I would not go full term. I had very swollen legs, feet, hands and even swelling in my face, but my urine was clean, I had normal BP and no signs of pre-eclampsia or any other pregnancy-related complications. One Thursday morning when I got out of bed, I had a burning kind of pain on the RHS of my belly and it stayed there throughout the day. I read up about it and it seemed to fit the bill of round ligament pain. We tested my urine and it was clean....

Three days later, on Sunday morning, 18 January 2009, we got up out of bed and I felt a bit sore in the cervical area. I told Rikus about it, but we didn't think much about it and the feeling went away after a while, so we went about our day without much concern. I was exactly 24 weeks pregnant and already had quite a big tummy and was suffering from heartburn 24 hours per day, so I was not the glowing pregnant fairy I had hope to be. I complained a lot about feeling very uncomfortable and even told Rikus that I felt ready to pop. He was used to my complaints by then and didn't think much of it.

We had recently appointed a full time maid to assist me with the housework, the cooking and the baby once she was born, so we were hanging blinds in her room and getting it all ready before she was to move in the next weekend. I also decided it was as good a time as any to unpack the linen closet and organise everything, so that there was more space to pack some of the stuff that I wanted to move out of the baby room. I felt a bit tired and had slight cramps, so we had lunch and I settled in to rest in front of the TV. Rikus had a nap in our bedroom. I eventually fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but woke up a while later and decided to go the the bedroom where I could put the air con on. When I lay down on the bed I felt a sharp pain and couldn't lie down. I tried to relax and lie down again. When I had the sharp pain again I woke Rikus up and told him about it. He wasn't too worried and told to sit up straight if the pain only got worse when lying down. The pain was getting worse and I went back to the lounge and started to cry. Colby realised something was wrong and tried to console me by wanting to get on my lap. After a while I realised the pains were coming and going so I started to time them. I immediately realised I was having contractions when the pain came and went in 5 minute intervals. I went back to the room and woke Rikus up again, and this time he took me seriously because I was crying. I got into the bath while he packed my hospital bag. While I sat in the bath it seemed to go away for a while but I cried and said to Rikus that I cannot go to the hospital to deliver this baby. I was terrified and started praying for the contractions to go away. I calmed down a bit and called my mom. They were in Pretoria where they were having a show day for their house there. There was nothing they could do for me over the phone, but encouraged me to get to the hospital. I also tried to get hold of my friend Christene, who is an ER doctor so that she could meet me there and phone Dr F to come and see me in the labour ward.

When we got to the hospital I had to stop walking every few steps for a contraction to pass and when we got to the maternity ward I explained to the sister that I was 24 weeks pregnant and in a lot of pain and needed my gynae to come and see me. They immediately took me to a labour theatre and called my doctor. The pain was a little better and I started to wonder if I was over reacting. After speaking to Dr F a sister came in and asked my permission to perform a PV exam. I gave my permission and she donned a glove and stuck her whole hand into my vagina to feel if I had started to dilate. It was excruciatingly painful and I screamed at her to stop as she stuck her hand in further and further. I started to retract on the bed and it felt like I was climbing up the wall behind me while she kept moving her hand inside me. She suddenly looked at me with eyes as wide as saucers and then I felt warm amniotic fluid wash over my legs like a wave breaking. I started crying hysterically and I knew it was the beginning of the end. The sister simply announced to Rikus that his wife was now officially in labour. She said I was 10 cm dilated and that the membranes were bulging towards the outside of the cervix. I tried to explain to Rikus through the tears that I knew nothing could be done. Christene arrived and she was furious that my water had broken and the water was still dripping down the sides of the bed. Shortly afterwards my mom's friend Colleen arrived and she prayed for us while we waited for the doctor to arrive. This is when I noticed that the sister had disappeared and I never saw her again. Rikus was sent to admissions to open a file. This infuriated me even more because I wanted him to be there when the Doctor arrived. Soon afterwards Dr F arrived and he ran to get the sonar machine himself. He asked me how much water had come out and when I lifted up the sheet to show him he was furious and got a bit panicky. He said that with all the amniotic fluid gone, we had to get the baby out. There was no stopping the labour or postponing it. He plugged in the sonar machine and did the scan. The first thing I saw on the screen was the heart beating, and he said the baby still looked fine, but that she only weighed 500 grams and that her lungs weren't nearly ready to be able to breathe. He said that even with a ventilator her lungs weren't ready to absorb oxygen into her bloodstream and that she would live for only a few minutes.

We were discussing a C-section while he was doing the scan but after the prognosis he decided not to do a C-section and ordered a drip to start with an induction. When he did a PV it felt instantly different and better than when the sister did it. He said I was 3 cm dilated. I didn't have any pain or contractions anymore, but I sat there crying and wishing Rikus would come back from the damn admissions. By the time he got back the Dr had gone looking for him and I had to tell him myself that the baby was going to die. I still felt her move and I desperately wanted to have a C-section because I was terrified of giving birth to a dead baby and I was not prepared to what a normal birth entailed at all. The youth pastor from our church arrived with his wife (we are very good friends with them and they live five houses from ours). I had sent them an sms, and they announced our situation during the church service that night and the whole church prayed for our baby and for us. I heard afterwards that many of the people we know at our church were in tears while they prayed for us. At that time Dr F came back and explained to me that I should really make peace with the outcome because my baby was not nearly viable, and that there was no way he was willing to do a C-section and cause possible damage to my uterus which could complicate future pregnancies. We made peace with his decision, but I was still terrified of giving birth naturally and I was still feeling Hayleigh move inside of me. My parents and In-laws came to the hospital and we all sat looking at each other without actually knowing what to say. I was very tired at that point and they left us alone and went to my parents' house for coffee. My mom asked us to call her when the contractions got worse. She is a nurse and wanted to be there with me. They began increasing the drip and the contractions started to get really painful. The doctor ordered Pethidine and Aterax when they started the drip, but it had worn off long ago. To me the Pethidine seemed like a total waste because it had absolutely no effect on my level of pain. The contractions became very painful and when I was 7 cm dilated we called my mom. She came in just in time as I was feeling the urge to push at 2h30. They called my doctor and I was quite hysterical already. The emotional state I was in was bad, and the fear and pain I felt was overwhelming. the doctor arrived about 10 minutes afterwards and the sister and my mom was desperately trying to get me to breathe correctly because I was hyper ventilating. I had Rikus holding my right hand and my mom holding my left hand and they were talking me through it but the pain was unbearable. At one stage the nurse looked me in the eye and told me to stop screaming and I just said to her "Well then, Fuck, help me!!" I started to push and it burned like hell as I felt Hayleigh's body move through my cervix. It was the most painful thing I have ever felt in my entire life!! I did not realise it at the time but her feet came out first and is seemed kind of stuck. the Dr gently helped to pull the rest of her tiny body out and it instantly felt better once I felt her slip out of me. I was crying the whole time, but when I felt them putting her down between my legs, to cut the umbilical cord, I couldn't keep it in any longer and I sobbed and sobbed without giving a damn about the other people in the room. It felt as though my heart was ripped apart. In a way I was expecting to hear my baby cry, but when I heard nothing I realised my dead baby was lying between my legs. I remember vaguely something about the doctor saying to give morphine, but I thought they had given it to me. Only afterwards did I start wondering if they gave the morphine to her. I still don't know. I had to keep on pushing to get the placenta out and at this point the doctor was pressing down very hard onto my tummy. I didn't help. He called the Anaesthesiologist and explained that I had to get to theatre immediately. On the way to the theatre I remember the Dr telling me that they would wash Hayleigh and make her presentable and then bring her to me.

I woke up after the D&C and I asked to see her. They brought her in on an instrument trolley lined with linen savers. Rikus, my mom and dad had already seen her. Apparently Rikus was given a few minutes alone with his daughter and apparently my dad broke down crying when he saw her. I didn't cry when I saw her. I was just about cried out, and felt numb. She was beautiful. She didn't look exactly like Rikus as I had expected. she looked a lot like me at first. She had a fine features and perfect skin. The most adorable little hands and feet. All there, all perfectly formed. I turned her head so that I could see her face from the side and she still felt warm. She wasn't blue or as lifeless as I had expected. I didn't think of taking a picture at that time. They washed me, and put me to bed and I slept for about 3 hours while DH went home to rest.

When I woke up, I just lay there thinking it had all just been a bad dream. Just as the tears started to roll down my cheeks Rikus came into my room and we had a good cry together. Soon afterwards my mom and dad arrived again with beautiful flowers and presents. The rest of the day was spent with many visitors and family. I asked to see Hayleigh again at about 15h00 and they brought her in again. My MIL left the room and went home because she didn't want to see Hayleigh and it hurt me because I kept thinking how could she not want to see our child? Oh well. At that stage Hayleigh had already started to get "droopy". Suddenly there were bags under her eyes and she had bruises. She didn't look at all like the baby I saw that morning. This time she looked lifeless. I took a photo and we signed papers to have her incinerated. They gave us a card with silver prints of her feet. The card said she weighed 620 grams. The next morning I left the hospital in my maternity wear. Arms empty. Pregnancy over.

Our Weekend

We had a fairly lazy weekend and it's back to the grindstone tomorrow, but here is a brief view of what we did over the weekend. On Friday night we had dinner at Ocean Basket and then went to the movies to see "The curious case of Benjamin Button". The film was okay but I think my expectations were too high because I was slightly disappointed. Then on Saturday we slept in and DH spent most of the rest of the day writing reports about the patients he has recently seen. Colby has also recently discovered that if he hides behind the furniture where mommy cannot see him, he doesn't get chased out of the house that often, so he spent most of his Saturday in hiding....

On Saturday evening we went to the movies again and saw " He's just not that into you" I enjoyed the film very much and afterwards we had cocktails and rib baskets at Coobah.

Today we had lunch at my parents house. Here are some pics of my mom and dad:

And when we came home I decided to bake us a cheescake. Not the best thing to have in the house when you are on a diet... but heavenly on the palate.

This is the crust

And the finished product. I decided to make one with a crust on the sides and a thinner one with crust at the bottom only.

Here you can see Colby trying to "help" with the process:

I have been a busy little bee these last few days

Sorry for being a bit absent the last two days but I have had so much work to do and we finished our mid-year stock take, month-end procedures and full reporting of the financial statements (which includes a detailed month pack with all the Financial statements, CEO report, Quarterly reports, detailed stock reports, marketing and margin reports, as well as HR and Logistics reports) in a record time of 3 days this year!!! You would think it is quite exceptional if you had a slight idea of what it all entailed. Luckily we have very good standard operating procedures in place, a system that really works well and everyone does their job to the best of their ability. We are like a well oiled machine nowadays. Sure, we have our little speed bumps and road blocks, but we did very well this month. Plus we are far under budget, and we made our target in terms of a 10 day stock level, which is very very good (and sometimes almost impossible because every ingredient that we use in the manufacturing of the product has to be delivered by Hired Transport from far far away and sometimes it also gets shipped and has to delivered from the harbour, so to only keep 10 days worth of stock in our factory takes a lot of very careful planning and organising).

And now I am exhausted. I still have to do our monthly VAT return and Journal reporting to head office as well as a detailed summary of all our Nedfleet expense allocations and follow up on our Internal Control Matrix, so I am going to be quite busy today as well.

I have been thinking of writing a post of my birth story, but it will have to wait a bit longer.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend ahead. Love to you all!

AF side effects

Today is not a good day. It's clearly because of AF but I feel CRAP. I just want to get into bed and cry. I don't have the strength to deal with a Stock Take today. I don't want to see anyone or speak to anyone. I just want some privacy and a good cry. This is going to be a very long day.... Tick Tock Tick Tock....

CD36

It's CD 36 and AF has finally arrived. Yay. One step closer to our next pregnancy. It also means I ovulated on CD 22 which is abit worrying, especially since I have PCOS and egg quality can become an issue. Oh, well, she's here now so I guess I should make her feel welcome.

I think AF might be knocking at the door

Yesterday morning as you all know I had a little rant about my blog address doing the rounds between family members near and far, and last night out of NOWHERE I had a good cry. I was perfectly okay one minute and bawling my eyes out the next. Later on when I settled into bed I realised that AF is on her way and that she has sent her tour guide (aka PMS) to clear the path for her. So now we wait patiently, but I already have some slight cramping, so I estimate her ETA to be tonight.

When I woke up this morning DH was sleeping in the guestroom. I asked what he was doing there and he said I snore too loudly for him. Pinocchio your nose is getter bigger by the minute was my only reply.

It's our official Month-end stock take tomorrow so we have to be at work a 5h45. That means I have to get up at 4H45. It's still dark at that time of the morning!! Have I ever told you how much I HATE getting up early? I truly HATE it. If I had to get up for my crying baby it would be totally different story altogehter or like getting up early to leave on holiday, but getting up that early for work is a mortal sin in my household. Well, all this complaining is just going to make it worse, so I better stop now.

I have also started on a new protein diet, and have I told you lately how hungry I am? I can eat a whole large pizza and a 2l coke right now! Martie, I so wish I had your job right now!!!!!! I have only been on the diet for 2 days, and it will get better, but damn I never knew I loved carbs so much. My heart is starting to race and my mouth is staring to water at the mention of food, so let's move on to another subject again.

To all the preggo girls reading my blog, there is a program called "Amazing births" on Zone Reality tomorrow afternoon at 13h45. I will not be tuning in because I will diligently be reading in endless stock figures, and we don't have PVR so I am going to have to miss out.

Newborn Pic of the day

A little bit of humour

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie
today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, Salty."

On to other matters...

Okay, enough about blogging privacy and blogging etiquette and onto other matters. AF is still overdue, so no surprise visits from her yet. I did another HPT last night and still negative, so no reason for her to be absent.

We also had SIL's daughter's 1st birthday party on Saturday and it was a bit hard for me at first, but I stayed cool, kept calm and didn't get all teary eyed and soppy, so it went okay. There were 6 children in total and it was hard to be celebrating her birthday when I once pictured myself attending the party with a huge belly and swollen feet. I sms'ed Maria throughout the afternoon and it helped me to a lot to talk to her. Especially when everyone else were talking about their babies most of the time. The party was low key, but with layed tables, lots of pink decorations and party favours and a gift for each guest. True SIL style. (refer to previous post about not elaborating too much).

When we came home from the party DH said he was feeling very "broeis" and that if AF was absent due to a pregnancy he would be very happy. (Please note this is the man who wouldn't come near me (sorry no pun intended) without contraception because THE WISE DR. F SAID TO WAIT 3 MONTHS!!) Shame, he is also feeling the loss and to see all his family and friends with babies is very hard for him too. We keep up a good front in front of all the in-laws but when we get home, we let go and we feel terrible, cheated and broken. I just sometimes get the slightest idea that some people enjoy seeing us hurt and they try to make it worse by kind of rubbing it in our faces, but lets leave it at that. Hear no evil, Speak no evil, See no evil.

I posted a pic above of the birthday girl sitting on another friend's lap. That's my arm in the background, for those of you who were wondering...HeHe. The other photo is SIL and her daughter and SIL's friend and her daughter.

Hope those of you who are pregnant (ex-FC gals) are not too uncomfortable yet!! There is not much time left.

Newborn pic of the day

Blogging gone bad

I have thought about this post a lot in the last couple of weeks. It seems that some of my readers have some objections to the kind of things I post here. First of all, I would like to say this: If it offends you, don't read it!!!! I have spoken to a few people about this when they have confronted me about my blogposts and then they just reason it away by saying "well, if you put it on the INTERNET it's not private and then you should be careful what you say"

Ladies and gentlemen I have news for you. This is BLOGLAND. If you are not a fellow infertile, or a fellow blogger, don't know blogging etiquette or are just lurking wishing to spy on me then get off my blog. If you don't ever comment or have something good to say then please disappear. This is not a tool for you to read all about my sadness, heartache, fears and private matters regarding my fertility. If you have been referred here by a family member and not by me myself you are not welcome. To the person who gave you this address I can only say you have deeply disappointed me. I trusted you with very sensitive and raw thoughts and feelings and you have made an advertising campaign out of it.

Please feel free to look at my blogging friends' blogs and please realise that we have a friendly, committed little group with integrity, and we use our blogs as a place where we can communicate with each other, write stuff we don't have the guts to say, and use it as a medium to grieve, heal, laugh, bitch, moan, curse and cry "OUT OF THE PUBLIC EYE OF REAL LIFE".

Just because this is an Internet site doesn't mean that you can freely comment or judge anything I say in my own personal blog. If I didn't give you this address you would've have known about any of this. I gave it to YOU, not so that you could give it to anyone else. I can very easily make this blog password protected or export it to another address, so please if you wish to read my posts, and then question my thoughts and feelings in real life, DON'T.

I gave this address to AN ELECT FEW (People I love and people I know love me back), and asked them to keep it to themselves, but some people don't understand integrity. Some people think it's a nice conversational tool and give out the address left, right and centre. It is very sad. You have hurt me in ways you will never understand and you have taken something very special to me and corrupted it. You have made my grief and tears public to about everyone I know! This was my little place of sadness and grieving and I trusted you! I should have known this would happen.

I will be a good mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~Author Unknown

And the results are.... Drumroll please...

Negative! Sigh of relief (for the first time ever that I am relieved to have a BFN)