A peaceful weekend ahead

I am looking foward to having a nice, quiet, peaceful weekend ahead. We are not planning on doing anything over the weekend and this is the first time in a while that we will just be home and resting. Tomorrow morning I need to go the bank quickly and then I am off to the gym for a workout and a session in the sauna. Then I will be going to the nursery to find some nice flowers for the flowerboxes we have underneath each window at the front of our house. I am also going to give Colby a bath and some fleadip/dogspot because he has been scratching himself alot over the past few days. On Sunday we will be going to church and then go and visit my parents. They live quite close to us but I haven't seen them in a while... Sunday afternoon we will probaly have an afternoon nap and then I have the big month-end stock take at 7am Monday morning aswell as the usual month-end reporting and procedures so next week will be quite busy.

Hope you all will be having a fabulous weekend!

Some Motivation

Due to lack of motivation I searched a few blogs and found this On Hanlie's Blog at Fertile Healthy (if I can just figure out how to link directly to her blog I would put the link in - anyone able to help please leave a comment)


The first step towards preparing our bodies for pregnancy and balance our hormones is to detoxify. Detoxification is the process of reducing toxin buildup in body fluids, cells, tissues and organs.

A toxin is any substance that creates irritating and/or harmful effects in the body, undermining our health or stressing our biochemical or organ functions. The body does have a system in place to remove these harmful toxins. The most important cleansing organ is the liver, followed by the kidneys, bowel, skin, lungs and lymphatic system. When the body is so over-burdened with toxins, we may find our nasal passages, our ears and even our vaginas (in the form of discharges) acting as organs of elimination. When the body is functioning properly, the blood carries toxins to the liver, where they are rendered harmless and converted to a water-soluble form, which is then eliminated via the bowel or kidneys.

Unfortunately the system was not designed for the sheer amount of toxins we throw at it every day, and certainly not the man-made toxins so prevalent in our diets. When the body can’t deal with them, they accumulate in our tissues.

Let me illustrate the concept for you: Say your job is to shred and dispose of boxes of documents. On day one a truck brings twenty boxes to be shredded, but even working with maximum effort, you can only shred fifteen boxes that day. The next day, the truck brings twenty more, but you still have five left over from the previous day and you you can still only process fifteen boxes. On the sixth day, you will have forty-five boxes to deal with! The excess has to be stored somewhere. That is how we become overloaded with toxins. They interfere with all the functions in the body, including our hormonal function. A favorite storage place for the body is the fat cells. Guess what all the food preservatives are doing in your fat cells? They are preserving your fat cells!

Detoxification is necessary to deal with the backed up toxicity and support the organs of elimination. Detoxification is not a one-time act, it’s a way of life. It’s no use detoxifying and then exposing yourselves to large amounts of toxins again immediately afterwards.

There are two sources of toxins - internal and external. On the internal level our bodies produce toxins, or waste products, from its normal every day functions. Biochemical, cellular, and bodily activities generate substances that need to be eliminated. Our thoughts and emotions and stress itself generate increased biochemical toxicity. A well functioning body is fully equiped to deal with these.

The external toxins are the ones we have to learn to limit. Let’s just look at some of the toxins we are regularly exposed to:

food additives - artificial colorants, flavorants, preservatives.

heated fats - margarines, trans-fats, vegetable oils, hydrogenated fats and saturated fats from animal products.

artificial hormones - from commercially produced dairy products and meat, the contraceptive pill and prescription hormones. You can’t balance your endocrine system if you’re ingesting hormones.

refined flour - bread, pasta, cake, cereal, cookies, bagels, etc

sugar - molasses, white and brown sugar, refined fructose, high-fructose corn syrup
artificial sweeteners

cafffeine - coffee, tea, chocolate, soft drinks

alcohol

nicotine and other recreational drugs

prescription and o.t.c. medication

mercury - from amalgem fillings in teeth and fish

other heavy metals - fish and commercially grown meat and dairy, unwashed non-organic produce, air-pollution

chemicals in personal products - deodorants, skin care products, nail varnishes, make-up, soaps and shampoos

chemicals in household cleaning products

No wonder our bodies are so overburdened and not working properly! But don’t feel helpless and defeated when you look at that list.

So, how do we help the body detoxify?

Drink water. Water flushes toxins and wastes from the body and transports nutrients to where they are needed. Drinking at least 8-10 glasses of pure (NOT flavored or carbonated) water per day (more if you’re overweight).

Warm baths and saunas are very effective.

Eat a healthy diet, high in nutrients and fiber.

Exercising stimulates the body so that the metabolic rate is stepped up.

Practising stress management and relaxation techniques. Stress affects the body in many ways and is particularly devastating to our fertility.

The Rollercoaster Ride

This was not the Plan!! Today I am feeling the downwards acceleration of the rollercoaster ride called Grief. Yesterday I was so pleased to be having my period on time and the fact that it marked the beginning of the first new cycle was very exciting, but today I am feeling angry again. This was not the plan for goodness sake!

I am supposed to be almost 30 weeks pregnant by now. I am supposed to be nesting. I am supposed to be feeling my baby move and kick me. This was not the plan!

For some background, here are some words I would use to describe myself: perfectionist, planner, organiser, budgeter, realy irritatingly stubborn. So as you can imagine when things don't go according to plan I tend to freak out. I like an organised life without surprises - yeah I know I am the born Accountant type...

So as I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about how nothing has worked out as I had planned. And what makes me angry is the fact that there is nothing I can do about it.

I can make all the plans in the world but nothing will change the fact that it's two years later and I am still childless.

It just totally infuriates me. I am a PMS devil woman today.

Cool!

Check out his website that I found on Murgdan's blog:

http://www.fertilityauthority.com/

Welcome to my dear old friend

Well, my long lost (and sometimes not so trustworthy) friend Aunt Flo has eventually made her appearance. I missed you so much Aunt Flo (not!). Those of you who don't circulate in infertility circles (and are Afrikaans) you might not know, but Aunt Flo is a little nickname we use to refer to our period. I must say I am quite happy, because this marks the first of the six cycles we are planning to "waste" before we start trying again. This coming month will be one down, five to go.

You might ask why 6 months and not the regulatory 3 cycles, but you see I have quite some pregnancy weight that I need to shed first (so 6 might just become 7 or 8 or 9) and I would really like my body, mind and heart to heal properly first. But as you all know I am also a bit of a POAS (pee-on-a-stick) addict so, yes, when AF first didn't show I had an incredible urge to run and get some HPT's. BUT I DIDN'T! Hooorrraaayyy.

It is also is a very good sign, because I used to have very unregular cycles before and AF sometimes took months before showing her ugly head. So yesterday was CD1 (Cycle day 1). It's going to be interesting to see how many days this cycle will have. We also decided not to go back onto BCP (Birth Control Pills) because we would like to track my cycles lenghts and make sure all is 100% before we start to TTC again. I am however back onto the Glucophage so hopefully that will keep my insulin levels down and help with the weight loss regime. I have been bad this week, because I didn't go to gym yesterday, but with the whole PMS thing and some cramps I just took some pain pills and got straight into bed.

Hope you all have a lovely Wednesday... and because it's payday for me today I will be off to do some grocery shopping after work. (Just love shopping even if it's for food)

God's love

"Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39, AMP).

Isn't it wonderful to know that nothing can separate us from the Love of God? His love is truly amazing. It goes beyond any human love we could ever know. There's nothing we can do to make Him love us more, and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us any less. His love is everlasting.

Sunday lunch

Yesterday I invited my SIL (sister-in-law) for Sunday afternoon lunch. She's married to my DH's (dear husband's) identical twin. He was away on a company sponsored fishing trip for the weekend. They have a 11 month old baby girl that is becoming cuter by the moment (see pic of cutie pie Mieke above).

We had Roast Leg of lamb and some good old fashioned "boerekos". The meat was a bit on the dry side (it was my first attempt at roasted leg of lamb) but in the end we had a lovely lunch and now I regret not eating more yesterday, because I just love good ol' "pampoen en boontjies, rys, vleis en aartappels".

My Redeemer lives

I have watched this video so many times and it still gives me goosebumps! I just have to share it with you guys. In short it describes exactly what I believe in...

READ THIS BRIEF STORY BEFORE WATCHING THE VIDEO:

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with me?' The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.

They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's request of going through the race together.

One day, the son asked his father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.'To which, his father said 'Yes' too.

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever. The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bikeride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the coast of the Big Island, Hawaii. Father and son went on to complete the race together.

View this race at...

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5dd9ea45513

My fur-baby

Here are some pics of my fur-baby Colby..

Inspiration

Here is some inspiration we can all do with:

http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html

I saw this guy in real life at a church in our town. It was one of the first times I went out with Rikus as a couple and it was amazing to see this person and hear what he had to say.

My friend Ibet sent the link to me, Thanks Ibet!!

Aahhh, so predictable...sigh..

My post on FC has just been deleted. Just as I thought it would be. I guess they are scared that too many members will come to my blog and read what's going on. Shame. Now I am impatiently wainting to be banned.. will let you guys know when that happens.

Forum Politics

Well as most of you might know, we infertiles had this great forum once where we all got to know each other and supported each other through many hard, difficult and HAPPY times. Some of us got pregnant, some of us did not. Some of us had healthy babies to take home and some of us did not.

Well you see, when you have a large group of women making comments to each other it is only natural that there might be some disputes. Especially if a lot of the women become pregnant and others don't. There is always that little green monster sticking his head out.

Unfortunately not all people know how to handle conflict. So some tempers flare, people become angry, some people become offended and some people become just plain mean. Then there are also those that sit and do nothing about it, because they are too scared of being in trouble. It is a sad thing when that happens on a forum.

Well is it fair and just to ban someone (Marthie - was banned for life yesterday) for having their own opinion and for getting cross when they feel violated? Is it fair and just to degrade a member's status (MariaE was degraded to Uber member and she no longer has moderator status) for having an opinion? Is it fair and just to delete posts (Tammi's post about the issue was deleted) before any other readers on the forum could have a chance to read it? Is it fair to then ban a fellow member (Tammi was also banned for life) for siding with the "wrongful" member?

This is a democratic country, but it seems some people in "higher" positions consider themselves as the queens of the internet. The think they can do injustice to us all and we must sit back and say nothing. It is absolutely rediculous. I am not banned yet, but I expect to be banned soon. Or maybe they will have "so called sympathy" with me cause I recently had a loss, and therefor qualify for "the misery club".

I just think you should all grow up and stop bullying your members!!!

More on this to follow after I have had some nasty anonymous comments....

A month ago today

Well a month ago today I was lying in a private room in a private hospital exhausted after giving birth for 12 hours....

(BTW - I have been wondering about the words "giving birth" alot lately... if for instance your baby is dead when it's born should you say "I was giving death (instead of birth)?"
It sound a bit harsh, I know, but really, I want to know, what are the correct words?)

So anyway, a month ago today I was lying there trying to wake up from the nightmare. I couldn't comprehend exactly what had happened. It was a blur. I kept thinking all will be okay and that I will have a baby someday, but you know what? I WANT THAT BABY!!!!

The one I saw, the one I touched, the one I already loved so much. I want only HER.

Oh, how I sometimes miss her so much..

Goodbye, my sweet Hayleigh, say "Hi" to Jesus for me

Meme

I saw this meme on Heather's blog and couldn't resist. It's a few questions about you and your other half and it seemed fun, so here goes:

What are your middle names?
I have a double barrel name, Mandy-Leigh, and Rikus' names are actually Hedrikus Johannes Jakobus. (Yeah, I know, I would never do that to my child!)

How long have you been together?
4 years - Dated for 2 years, married for 2 years

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About a week. I was doing an audit on our church's books and a friend mentioned that he would like to introduce us to each other. We met the following week at a care group meeting. And we started dating abot a week afterwards.

Who asked whom out?
He asked me out, but I was flirting big time, so he had to succumb to my irresistability...

How old are each of you?
We were both born in 1980, so we both turn 29 this year.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Mine, I guess. We see his brothers at family gatherings, but we are a alot closer to my family. My brother recently moved, and they now live 600 km away, but we see them every weekend that they come to visit.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Sometimes work and finances - he doesn't always agree that I really really need that pair of shoes!

Did you go to the same school?
No, luckily not. I think if we did, we never would have got married... I was a nice, geeky, well behaved academically driven student. Rikus, as I can gather, was not into girls like me back then..

Are you from the same home town?
Yep

Who is smarter?
Me of course!!! Or rather I like to think so.

Who is the most sensitive?
Me of course - wish it wasn't, but it's true.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We love Ocean Basket - go there at least twice a month. They even know us by name there.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Durban - Rikus travels alot for work, but I usually stay at home.

Who has the craziest exes?
He definitely has the craziest exes - really, what the hell was he thinking???

Who has the worst temper?
Unfortunately I do - Rikus never fights, he drives me crazy when he always stays cool, calm and collected.

Who does the cooking?
Our maid Agnes, but before we had an Agnes, I used to do it.

Who is the neat-freak?
We both are fairly neat and perfectionistic. Rikus absolutely hates it when I use up all the towels in the bathroom, this is the one thing that drives him nuts!

Who is more stubborn?
I am. I never give up. Never!!

Who hogs the bed?
I do, he sometimes wakes me up to demand that I move over, but within five minutes I am lying in the middle again..

Who wakes up earlier?
I do. Rikus is NOT a morning person. He wakes up at 7am, showers, shaves, and is at work at 7:30am. I, on the other hand snooze the alarm from 5am until 6:30am when I eventually get up.

Who is more jealous?
Definitely me, but he rarely does anything to cause jealousy.

How long did it take to get serious?
About 2 minutes..

Who eats more?
He does, and he doesn't put on any weight. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Who does the laundry?
Agnes

Who's better with the computer?
I am. I sit in front of this thing for eight hours each day, I would hope I am fairly good at it.

Who drives when you are together?
He does.

So there you have it.

A Song for Hayleigh

I was listening to this song alot while I was pregnant and I always thought I would play it to Hayleigh when we brought her home from the hospital. I was waiting for her and at the same time waiting for a new day to come

A New Day Has Come - Celine Dion

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I'd had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush now
I see a light in the sky
Oh it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come

When it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now's there's joy
Where there was weakness I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush now I see a light in the sky
Oh it's almost blinding me
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come
When it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now's there's joy
Where there was weakness I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush now I see a light in your eyes
All in the eyes of a boy
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love
Hush now
A new day has come

Suddenly Hayleigh died and the "angel" part became more profound. I will surely sing it to her in Heaven one day.

Oh my word, I stopped counting!!

When did that happen??? I can't believe it. I was just reading Irene's blog and saw that she was 21 weeks, and then it struck me -I don't know how far along I would have been. Right after the labour I kept track each week to know exactly when Hayleigh would have been viable to live but somewhere in between the days and weeks that have passed, I stopped counting!!! It feels horrible. It feels as though I have already forgotten her. I feel like a bad mommy.

I just counted the weeks and I would have been at 28 weeks.. I cannot believe my whole life changed so suddenly. It's only been a month.

Now I lay me down to sleep

Check out this website about the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation.

The photo's are taken of stillborn babies. Absolutely beautiful!!! Wish I could have photo's like these of Hayleigh.

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/about_us/

Let me tell you about my friend

I have a very dear friend who is in the medical profession and she also suffers from infertility. Not the normal TTC'ing kind of infertility but, the multiple loss/miscarriage kind. We met in about Standard 4 and have been good friends ever since. We dreamed about boyfriends and our future weddings and naturally we imagined we would become mothers without any complications. We went to Varsity but we still kept in touch. When my friend finished Varsity she got married and they moved back to my hometown. We got to see alot of each other again.

As time went by I also got married and R and I started TTC'ing right from the start. After I went off the pill, I had a menstrual cycle that just wouldn't budge. Three months of bleeding later I went back to the gynae, had a pap smear and found out that I had Cin3 cervical dysplasia. We opted to have a Lettz biopsy done to remove the cells. I was also diagnosed with Insulin Resistance and PCOS. In short I wasn't ovulating at all..

I was prescribed a 6 month course of Climen ( a form of birth control) and Metformin, was put on a Low GI diet and was sent home to wait out the 6 months.

After 6 months we stopped taking the Climen, but continued on the Metformin. We got pregnant during the 2nd month of trying. We were absolutely elated!!! Our dream had come true.

In the meantime my friend had a beautiful daughter with the only complications being that she had to deliver at 35 weeks due to calcifications in the placenta and the baby not growing anymore.

Well, at my 9 weeks scan (after I had been in the hospital with bleeding) we discovered that our little embrio stoppeD growing and that there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C and was sent home with instructions to wait 3 months and then try again. I was also prescribed Ecotrin at that stage. During the first "normal" menstrual cycle thereafter I fell pregnant again...

During this time my friend also fell pregnant with twins, but had an early miscarriage. She was naturally devestated, as it was a natural identical twin pregnancy. She was also instructed to wait a while and try again. Never did we imagine our lives would take this turn.

During my second pregnancy I had lots of complications and bleeding and I was hopitalised regularly. My friend became pregnant with twins again (!) , but she also lost them again. Again, as you can imagine it was a horrific expereince, but I was still pregnant. I felt so guilty about hoping and wishing for the best for my own pregnancy. I felt guilty because I was still pregnant and she was lying there in hospital bleeding out. Our due dates were very close, so it was making the situation worse.

In the end I also lost my baby at 24 weeks and she was one of the first people to visit me while I was in Labour. And she was pregnant again... this time she was feeling the guilt.

She is doing well and only expecting one baby this time, but all seems to be going well.

I really really hope this will be a successful pregnancy for her.

And that I will also be following in her footsteps soon.

What is the reason for this post you might ask? Well, some people in the fertility world can't seem to see beyond their own journey and pain. Some people in the fertility world want to remain in this painful, fearful state for the rest of their lives, and that is truely sad. I sincerely hope that these ladies will fall pregnant, have their babies and move on with their lives. Off course none of us will ever forget the babies we lost, and certainly we will not forget the pain we had to go through and none of us will ever be the same carefree people again. But life is about more than fertility. Life is about love, hope, caring, sharing, reward, failure, success, pain, joy AND happiness. It's about a true relationship with God. THE ULTIMATE FRIEND. The One who carries us through this journey when we can't walk the road by ourselves.

Can you believe it?

Have a look at this:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece

I cannot believe my eyes. This is truely shocking!!
Any comments? I am too shocked to say anything.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentine's day to everyone.

Hope you all had a lovely day so far and that you have been spoiled rotten.

Rikus and I went to Klerksdorp for my good friend Jackie's brithday party last night. The party was held at Thaba Tshwene Game Lodge and it was absolutely beautiful there. Magnificent views and awesome food and company. The atmosphere was so peaceful. We had a lovely party and went to bed in our gorgeous room at about 11h30 and then had a great breakfast this morning. According to Rikus this was my Valentine's present. It was a lovely present.. I enjoyed it very much.

When we walked into the party, Jackie introduced me to one of her old friends, and the friend asked me when is my baby due. I had to tell her that my baby died 3 weeks ago, and she was very embarassed. She felt very awkward, but it didn't offend me at all. I told her briefly what happened and we changed the conversation. What I am a bit worried about is the fact that I still look pregnant to some people?? Do I really? She should have seen me 3 weeks ago. So I guess it's back to gym to work a bit harder.

Seems I am going to be all by my lonesome self this week. Rikus is going to do a clinic in the Natal Midlands. He is a Medical Orthitist/Prosthetist in other words he makes artificial limbs.
They will be making arms legs for thirty patients so it will be a hard week for him. My parents are also going out of town for the week to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Ballito and my in-laws are going on a cruise on the Melody, so I am really going to miss them all.

I recently suffered from acute pain in the lower abdominal side on Thursday and was crying in my office, the pain was so unbearable. Gynae couldn't see me, because he was in Kroonstad, but I had a sonar done at the Radiologist and he said my ovaries seem very enlarged, but other than that everything else looks normal. The pain subsided after taking two Mypaids every 6 hours. Feeling much better today though. I think it might just be a UTI.

I have been reading an interesting book lately, called The Hollow heart by Martina Devlin. It is the story of a woman suffering from infertility and how it eventually destroyed her marriage. She is still childless, but has made a new life for herself. The book has kept me up till late at night, because I simply can't put it down....

Now back to that book I was just telling you about..

Proud of myself

I have been going to gym everyday after work (except for Monday when I skipped to have cocktails with a friend) and the day before yesterday I did a 10 minute cycle, a 12 minute walk on the treadmill, ventured onto the stepping machine and did 5 minutes. I also did quite a few weights in the toning area of the gym.

Yesterday I felt a little bit of soreness in my muscles, and when I hit the treadmill yesterday afternoon I wanted to die!! I was so stiff from the previous day. I did 10 minutes on the treadmill, a 3 minute cycle, and 3 minutes of stepping, with some light weight training of the arms.

Well, today I can't move!! Last week I thought I should step it up a little because I couldn't feel the excercise working but today every muscle in my body hurts!! I am however very proud of this. At least something is working... Hopefully I'll be back in my old/normal clothes before long.

I am liking this

I am really starting to like this blogging stuff!!

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. R and I had a nice weekend in Bloem. He decided to treat me to dinner & a movie and we then slept over in a hotel. It was very nice to be away from home for a while.

Just wanna say to my darling hubby - you are the best! I Love you so very much. thank You for the lovely flowers and your card. I look forward to spending many more years and decades with you.

Still Spotting

Well it seems as though I am still spotting after the D&C I had on 19 Jan. Seems a bit long, doesn't it? Thinking maybe I should go back to the gynae. My follow up appt in on 3 March, but I think that might be too long to wait. I have lots and lots of questions to ask him. I am thinking I should make a list and take it with me. I always seem to forget the most important questions while I am there. I usually get sidetracked with the new info or diagnosis.

For those who don't know, I had a D&C after delivering a baby girl @ 24 weeks. She was born dead. We still don't actually know what brought on the labour but we will discuss that when I see the gynae again.... BUT the real Question is will we ever know the real answer?

Who needs therapy when You can BLOG

Well, hello hello.

It seems I have finally caved and decided I should try this blogging thing. They say writing is very therapeutic, so let's see if there is any truth in that?