This is starting to piss me off

I think I might be having a psychological pregnancy or whatever you call it.
My body is throwing all these signals and symptoms at me. I had the sore and tingling boobs again last night and throughout this morning and I even felt nauseous when I had to eat toast for breakfast. All this I could still handle by just ignoring it. The about an hour ago,I started having these tiny little twinges in my nether regions. Exactly the same kind I got with both previous pregnancies. I know you all are thinking BFP, but no, still a BFN. And I know you are going to say go for a beta,but I'm going to say, no, I'll wait it out. But, Mandy you are going to go crazy! Yes, I know, but I cannot afford to go for bloods today, because it's stock take again and I am very bussssyyyy, and if I go I will be sitting here for 3 hours doing absolutely NOTHING except staring at my phone. And then I will have to act all nonchalantly when the lab lady calls to say BFN. And also I don't think I can handle a BFP while at work. Not today.

HPT = BFN

HPT = BFN.

Isn't it fun that we can type 6 letters and it will sound like a six sentence paragraph to others in the same boat.

Like if I said:

CD30 = BFN or

CD30 = AF or

CD30 = BFP!!!

Or HPT - CD30 - BFN - AF NO SHOW - WTF?

It's like a secret code, and only those who qualify are aloud to use. Reminds me a bit of my pre-teen years, except those inscriptions were usually used to write love letters. The heartbreaking stuff to us at that age. This time it's still heartbreaking stuff it just runs so much deeper.

Anyhow, you catch my drift, I am on CD30 and HPT still BFN, and AF still absent. WTF?????

Oh dear, the fertility world can be such a crap place sometimes, don't ya think?

Internetlessness

I have been sitting here all day (well for the most of the day) without internet.
I felt like an alcoholic without a drink. Screwed.

Anyway, have a nice long weekend. Hubby is coming back tomorrow so I am going to be busy all weekend telling him how much I missed him all week, and then Maria and Johnny are joining us for lunch on Sunday.

Love you all, BYYYYEEEE

Ps. So glad blogland is still here..

I fucking hate this

I just heard that one of my colleagues is pregnant. It is a colleague I got along with her until I got pregnant the second time and then she started to avoid me because she also wanted to get pregnant and apparently everyone knows about the this pregnancy of hers except me. She has been very rude and cold towards me and I just ignored it to be polite and to keep my side clean.

The fucking bitch. I can understand that she wanted to keep it quiet until 12 weeks, but I am not fucking stupid and when I realised everyone was whispering behind my back I put two and two together. Now we have an atmosphere, and I fucking hate it. Seriously I am fine amongst pregnant woman, so they shouldn't’t go around treating me like I have leprosy or something.

And I know it sounds childish, but now I hope I am not pregnant because I don’t want to be pregnant with her. I’ve felt like this before when I thought that I couldn't’t conceive, but since then I have worked through pregnancy jealousy, but this time I just feel fucking lousy!
I have lots of pregnant friends, so why is this affecting me like this???

I am going for a drive now, I need to get away from this shit hole place.

The suspense is killing me!!

As you all know I have shares in different HPT Companies like Preg-Sure and Spot-On and Clicks, so this means that I have unlimited access to HPT's (NOT!!) and therefor I decided last night to listen to the crazy bitch woman's voice in my head when she told me to POAS.

I used the Preg-Sure Cassette Type which at first didn't show any lines (WTF??), so I left it on the basin and went to bed. This morning I almost fell into the damn toilet when I glanced over and there was a bright CONTOL line, and a very faint TEST line. I tried to take pictures, but the camera kept blurring so you can't see the faint line :-(
(I promise you it's there, I even asked Agnes and she can see it too)

"I KNOW IT CAN BE AN EVAPORATION LINE, BUT AT LEAST LET ME DREAM A BIT!"

This is what I am telling the bitch woman's voice...

Blast from the Past

When did you have your first kiss?
In standard 7 while on Holiday

How old were you when you had your first period?
1 May 1994 at the age of 14 - I was a bit of a late bloomer..

Did you ever have a crush on a teacher?
No - I had ugly teachers

Tell us about your first serious relationship?
I dated a professional rugby player for 3 years from age 20 to 23.
Needless to say he cheated on me, and I was heartbroken after it ended, but gee am I glad we never got married. We would have been divorced by now.

Have you ever stalked someone?
I lived in a student commune while at Varsity with 7 other girls and there was another commune in the same street with male students. We regularly visited there, but we always drove home from their side of the street so that we could see what they were doing.

What make and model was your first car?
A 1979 Blue Datsun Pulsar - named Blow Job due to the color by my student friends. I inherited it from my grandma when they moved to the coast.

Did you ever wear Doc Martins?
Thank heavens no!

What is the most memorable song from your school career?
Everything I do - Bryan Adams

Have you ever done any pole dancing?
Yes, once at a 21 birthday party at our commune, I got a little (okay a lot) drunk and danced around the pole on our "stoep". I couldn't remember any of it the next day, but they had the pics to prove it. I did however still have all my clothes on.

Have you ever been too drunk to drive yourself home?
Sadly, yes.

Have you ever been dumped?
Sadly, yes. By the asshole rugby player after I set him an ultimatum.

Have you ever gone out without wearing underwear?
Sadly, No.

I am pleasantly surprised

WOW, I am pleasantly surprised. Since I started the new blog, so many people have been e-mailing me to get access. I never knew that I had so many readers. You girls are making me a bit nervous here. Suddenly I feel stage fright creeping up on me!!!

In other news, it's back to the gym today with my friend Carli. The only thoughts that come to mind are "Fuck, why did I eat so much crap and drink so much milk while I was pregnant?" and "To anyone who stares at my fat ass in the gym, up yours man, I had a dead baby, I have more reasons to be fat than you do!" No other words motivation are present in my mind at the moment.

Okay, onto other news. We had a good weekend. Friday evening was a bit hectic with lots of last minute shopping and stuff to do, then on Saturday I helped DH pack his clothes for the week long clinic in Lesotho. Then we went to meet his boss and colleagues at the practice where they had to offload everything. We were supposed to be at little Belle's 1st birthday party at 15h00 but only got there after 17h00, because we first had a beer with his coleagues at the guest house. We had a lovely time at the party until a nasty family fight broke out and everyone started yelling at each other. Luckily we are only friends with them so we were just innocent bystanders amidst the family tiff. Nothing serious though, just different opinions and FILS who don't know how to mind their own business. Then yesterday I watched a great DVD by Gretha Wiid on Sex within the marriage. Basically it's about how to keep both sides happy emotionally within the relationship, which then leads to more sex, which then leads a healthier marriage. Gave me quite a lot to think about. I also visited with friends and briefly saw my parents. DH will be coming back on Saturday, so I will have lots of time to myself, which is a good thing, but after a week it gets a bit long. and we cannot phone each other because his roaming was not activated in time.

So who do you guys think will win SA Idols? And do you watch American Idols? Who are your favourites? Or am I the only geek that watches Idols?

Tomorrow we are going to do a nice little meme about secrets of our past and I tag all other blog authors and followers to do the same on their blogs.

Till tomorrow then, I have to work on my gym face now.

Spilling the beans

Okay, okay I have kept you in suspense for long enough so here it is:

1. We are TTC'ing. Yes, I know I haven't had 3 AF's, but it kind of just happened, and DH is very very excited. It's amazing how my husband has changed since Hayleigh was born. He cannot wait for me to be pregnant again. I think the whole pregnancy thing wasn't real to him until he saw Hayleigh. He had a little "Aha" moment and now he wants a baby very badly. So when we went to Sun City I was on CD12 and we have been doing the baby dance non stop this whole week. I am telling you guys we didn't even have so much sex on our honeymoon! I was going to keep it quiet until we get a BFP, even if it takes forever, but in true IF style I also need some TTC support and I was dying to tell someone. Let's hope for a good outcome. What about the diet plans and waiting 6 months, you might ask? Well DH said to me very sternly one night:" you can worry about your body after we have had children" so needless to say I wasn't going to be invited onto the TTC wagon twice. We should be on CD28 by Sunday so I will keep you all posted. I don't actually have high hopes, but it's still exciting. I am also feeling strangely removed from it all. As though I am talking about someone else...

2. I want to open up my own business. A Baby shop. Selling baby furniture, nursery linen, prams, camp cots, toys, diapers, clothes, the works. There are plans for a new mall in town and it would be great if we could have a spot in there. We don't have a similar shop in Welkom (like a Baby City, Baby Boom, Treehouse or a Toys R us) and all my friends with babies in Welkom, Virginia, Kroonstad, Hennenman, Hoopstad and Bloemhof travel to Bloemfontein for Baby gear.
I have casually mentioned a baby shop to some selected people and everyone I speak to thinks there is a good market for it because people are fed up with poor service at Edgars and Game only has a limited range of basics. My SIL even went to Cape Town to buy her baby furniture and 3 of my recently pregnant friends had to travel to Bloemfontein and JHB for a simple cot and compactum. I was also getting my compactum and shelving from JHB before we decided to cancel the order after the m/c. The new mall will only be opening in Oct 2010, but we need to reserve the shop we want on the building plans soon. I am very very excited and for the first time in my life I really really want to take the risk and just do it.
I just have a little Capital problem, and because we are renting our house, we don't have much to give as security. So we need to draw up a business plan and go see our bank manager.

So there you have it.

Angel Kisses

This is amazing, and I have to post it again to share it with you guys. Jahni and I shared the same due date and her precious little girl Nicci was born last week. When I got into the office this morning, I opened this comment on my previous birth story post:

Hi Mandy! I had a good cry when I read your post. I am glad that Nicci wasn't born on "our" due date.When Nicci was born, she had two tiny birthmarks on her eyelids. The paed calls them "angel kisses". I think Hayleigh gave her two kisses, and then sent her to me. Thank you for your voicemail while I was in hospital, and thanks for being the stunning friend and person that you are. xxx

That is so awesome. I am still sitting here with goosebumps. It seems my little Hayleigh will be little Nicci's guardian angel from now on.... That's so sweet.

Closet case for now

Well I have 2 dirty little secrets, but I cannot share them with you. At least not for now anyway. My mind has been totally absorbed by these 2 secrets for the last week, and I need to talk about it to someone.

The first one is fertility related and I cannot really tell you anymore than that, except that we are very excited. There have been no rash decisions made or anything, and No, we are not adopting, but at least I have hope on my side again. In a few days or so fear and worry will also show up, but I cannot elaborate on what is going on until we have a final decision. Will keep you guys posted though. I promise you will be the first to know!

The second is a possible business venture, which is not fertility related but is baby related in a way. We (a good friend and I) are still looking into it and it is still in the distant future, so no heavy lifting being done at the moment, but it is very exciting to be pondering a career change and also very scary if you start to think of all the risks involved. There still is a lot of research we need to do and quite a few calculations and budgeting, and then we'll have to see if it is a viable business opportunity. I am however very excited about it and I would love to be doing this, so lets hope it all works out.

We are off to the in-laws tonight for brother in-law's birthday dinner. Need I say more..

Today is also the day we planned on scheduling my c-section, so I have been thinking a lot about Hayleigh today, but in a good way.

Your jaw will drop

Check this out:

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=98096bfbc280d77852ec

WOW!!!

Ovulation moment caught on camera
HUMAN OVULATION

Ovulation takes place in the tissues of the ovary

These images are the first time the event has been captured in clear detail

The egg is shown emerging from the follicle on the ovary

After release, the egg travels down the Fallopian tube where it can be fertilised

A human egg has been filmed in close-up emerging from the ovary for the first time, captured by chance during a routine operation.
Fertile women release one or more eggs every month, but until now, only animal ovulation has been recorded in detail.
Gynaecologist Dr Jacques Donnez spotted it in progress during a hysterectomy.
The pictures, published in New Scientist magazine, were described as "fascinating" by a UK fertility specialist.
It really is a pivotal moment in the whole process, the beginnings of life in a way
Professor Alan McNeillyMRC Human Reproduction Unit, Edinburgh
Human eggs are produced by follicles, fluid-filled sacs on the side of the ovary, which, around the time of ovulation, produce a reddish protrusion seen in the pictures.
The egg comes from the end of this, surrounded by a jelly-like substance containing cells.
The egg itself is only the size of a full-stop, and the whole ovary, which contains many immature eggs, just a couple of inches long.
They belonged to a 45-year-old Belgian woman, and Dr Donnez, from the Catholic University of Louvain, told New Scientist that the pictures would help scientists understand the mechanisms involved.
He said that some theories had suggested an "explosive" release for the egg, but the ovulation he witnessed took 15 minutes to complete.
Professor Alan McNeilly, from the Medical Research Council's Human Reproduction Unit in Edinburgh, said that this fitted with his own research into the ovulation process.
He said: "It really is a fascinating insight into ovulation, and to see it in real life is an incredibly rare occurrence.
"It really is a pivotal moment in the whole process, the beginnings of life in a way."

Good luck to Marthie

Marthie, I really really hope this is you within the next week!!! May it all go well, and may Baba just blow you away.

Here is a pic of the adorable Nicole Cowley

Ruan And Jahni I hope she is everything you ever dreamed she would be!

I am back!

We are back from our little getaway to Sun City and it was WONDERFUL. We had a really good time and came back late Sunday afternoon. I spent almost the whole of yesterday in bed recovering from the busy weekend. We spent time with my grandparents, went for supper at an Italian restaurant, watched Marley and Me, drove to Sun City, waited in line for the sky train for an hour and a half, had lunch there, played some games, went to the valley of the waves, we swam (yes I got into my cossie and swam), tanned, ate some more, drank some more, Rikus went down the slides, we watched the Miss Nando's and the Little Miss Nando's. Got dressed had a lovely supper at CFM, didn't have the energy to go to the show we had tickets for (Stars in your eyes - by Danny Fisher) crawled into bed and woke up to lovely breakfast in bed the next morning. Drove back to my grandparents house in Rustenburg and spent some more time with them. Came back home in the late afternoon to a dog that was absolutely elated to see us. All in all it was a great weekend.

BUT, I HAVE SOME VERY EXCITING NEWS: Jahni had her little girl, Nicole, last night. She is just so adorable. Jahni's water broke at 11h15 and she had an emergency c-section. Mommy, Daddy and Baby are doing VERY well and there was no need for NICU.

It's a very special and a little emotional moment for me to be typing this because Jahni and I shared the same due date (12 May 2009) and I was expecting Hayleigh to arrive over Easter weekend as well. But I am not sad or jealous, like I was expecting to feel. I am more in awe of how drastic everything has changed over the last couple of weeks and how far I have actually come. I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to be holding a baby right now. I have dreamt about it A LOT these last few days, but it feels miles away.

Another baby that is also due on 12 May is a work colleague and his wife's 2nd baby and I have feared their delivery because we were always sharing pregnancy stories, complaints, and hopes and their delivery is very close to my heart. I am sure I will be fine with it all, but I still feel a bit cheated and left out, and it makes it all so real.

DH is leaving again tomorrow for Randfontein and then he will be off to Lesotho for the whole of next week. He is looking forward to it very much and I am looking forward to sleeping in the middle of the bed for more than a week (yes I know we should get a queen size). I do miss him a lot when he is gone and we appreciate each other so much more when he comes back, so in the end it's actually a good thing. Colby is always restless when his master is not there, but he just has to cope this time because I am not getting up at all hours of the night/morning to open the door for him. He usually just walks to the garage to check if Rikus is back yet, and then we go back to sleep again, but the nightly checking is going to have to stop because it drives me crazy and he should get used to it now.

The diet was left at home over the weekend but I guess today it's back to watching what I eat again, and off course I have to get back to the gym tomorrow with my gym partner Carli, at least when we gym togehter we don't play around. I see some sore muscles in my not too distant future...

Happy Easter

You might ask why I posted this picture instead of the customary cute Easter bunny, but in my eyes this is what Easter is all about. The ultimate sacrifice. Would you sacrifice your child?

We will be visiting my grandparents tomorrow, and then we will be going to Sun City for the rest of the weekend. I cannot wait, I am very excited. I promise to take lots of pictures and post them on Monday night.

Please travel safely, if any of you are going to be on the roads.

Mwah!

Frustrated

I am so frustrated with my weight at the moment. Last night I was taking pictures of Colby as the three of us were playing on the bed. For some reason Colby sits perfectly still until I pull out the camera and then every time I aim it at him he jumps off the bed runs down the passage and comes and jumps onto the bed again in high speed and every time he tries to do it a bit faster than the previous time. After a while I realised he sees himself in the camera lens and it sends him into a flat spin. So anyway, DH and I took some pictures of ourselves, just fooling around, and I was disgusted at seeing myself in those pictures. Ladies it is bad. I have never been this fat in my whole life and my whole face looks like a fat person's face. It is 11 weeks since Hayleigh's birth and I have not made nearly enough progress. Yes, I fit into some of my old clothes, but I am still not even near where I was when we got married. I need to lose 20 kg and nothing seems to be working. I have been going to the gym, I have tried doing the proteien diet thing, the low GI diet thing, I have cut out almost all the sugar in my diet, and still the scale is not budging. So as a bit of motivation DH said we should take a before picture (it is ghastly and I will never post it on here) and then work together on losing the weight and hopefully we will have a better after picture to compare with the before picture. So it's the start of the new me today. I think with that decision also comes with a bit of a postponement on the TTC side of my life... but we'll see how long we can keep going before the TTC monster attacks.

I also saw my friend Beth yesterday and she is really having a hard time lately. She has suffered 3 first trimester m/c's and it has been 9 months since her last m/c. She desperately want sto get pregnant again, but it's just not happening. Be strong Beth! It will happen, I know it will.

My TTC journey and Birth Story - Beware TMI

After a lot of thought and deliberation I have decided to share my TTC journey, Birth story and a photo of Hayleigh with you. The photo was taken 12 hours after she was born so it's not quite how she looked when I first saw her. She weighed 620 grams and was 32 cm long. The marks on her feet is ink that they used to make footsprints for us to keep.

So here goes..

I was on the pill for about 10 years. I started taking it in Grade 11 when my periods were not very regular and I suffered from acne. I stayed on the pill the whole time until we got married. At age 21 I started having break through bleeding right in the middle of each cycle, I went to the gynae and he did a lap and came out announcing that I have severe Endometriosis and that he removed most of it with a laser. I was as sick as a dog and vomited from the anaesthesia for days. He then decided to put me on Depo Provera to keep menstruation away, but I started bleeding three days after the injection and it didn’t stop until he put me onto Ovral to counteract the Depo. It was an awful experience and I stayed on the pill again and away from the gynae until just after our wedding.

Just after our wedding I went off the pill and started my period as usual but the period just never ended. 8 Weeks later I was still bleeding so back to the gynae I went. Another Dr this time. He did a sonar, said I have PCOS and ordered blood and glucose tests. He also did a papsmear. I had an appointment for a week later when he would discuss my blood tests with me. When I went back to him he said that there were some serious irregularities on the cervical tissue that they got from the pap smear. He tried to calm me down by telling me it was not cancer but could develop into cancer quickly and easily. He then performed a biopsy of the cervical tissue there in his rooms and sent me home to wait on the results. I went to the appointment alone that day and was crying all the way to the car as I left. I didn’t go back to work either. He also prescribed Climen and Glucophage. The Climen is the same as the pill but it only regulates your hormones without acting as contraception. They phoned me back a week later to come in and see the doctor. DH and I went together this time and he explained to us that he needed to so a Lettz biopsy in theatre where they could scrape out the damaged cells. He assured me that the new healthy cells would grow back over time and that I would have no problem with my cervix when I got pregnant.

We stayed on the Climen for six months and then I had my first normal natural cycle the first month whilst still taking the Glucophage. The next month I was late and thought it was my damn cycles gone all bonkers again but it turned out I was pregnant. We were very very happy. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and was admitted to hospital. The scan showed no heartbeat yet, but my beta was still going up. I was released from hospital after the bleeding stopped and we found a heartbeat at 6 weeks. When I went back for another scan at 9 weeks there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C and we were sent home and told to wait 3 months. We waited for one cycle to go by and then stopped using the condoms thinking we wouldn’t get pregnant without actively trying (you know, without lying with elevated hips and all after BD’ing) but that month I was late again but had terrible back ache so I was sure AF was on her way.

When she didn’t arrive I did a few HPT’s and all were negative. At CD 40 we had an early morning stock take at work and I was very nauseous. I started to vomit and was still vomiting for 4 hours non stop I went to my Dr friend at the ER and she ordered a beta. It came back positive. All went well until 7 weeks when I started to bleed again. I was hospitalised but all went well with the baby and I had light spotting until 13 weeks when I started bleeding profusely again. One morning I was getting out of bed when I noticed blood and just as I stepped out of bed I felt a huge fleshy thing drop right out of me and it was wedged inside my panty. I walked to the bathroom slowly as the blood ran down my legs. I was terrified of pulling down my panties because I expected to see the foetus. I called DH and he rushed home to find the whole passage and bathroom drenched in blood and me sitting on the toilet with my underware still on. I pulled down my panties and a huge golf ball sized fleshy blood clot fell to the floor. We picked it up and it felt like liver. We put it into a cup and took it with to the hospital. I was hospitalised once again and we were sure the baby was dead, but the scan showed a healthy baby still moving about. I stayed in hospital for a week and then when we got home I passed another blood clot like the previous one. Once again we rushed to the Doc’s rooms for a scan and the baby was still healthy. From the first bleed they noticed a big round bleed in the uterine cavity which looked like clotted blood but which could also be a myoma. I was put onto Utrogestan and it seemed to be going away slowly. The rest of the pregnancy was fairly uneventful. We had the baby room about 80% ready. We had a brand new cot, a brand new camping cot and a brand new pram. I had most of the accessories like bottles, teats, dummies, some clothes, blankets, a baby bath etc etc. We were almost ready and I looked forward to resting during the rest of the pregnancy. We had attended the antenatal classes and we were really looking forward to meeting our little girl. I was prepared for an early birth, but figured if we made it to 36 weeks it would be great. Because of the swelling I thought I would not go full term. I had very swollen legs, feet, hands and even swelling in my face, but my urine was clean, I had normal BP and no signs of pre-eclampsia or any other pregnancy-related complications. One Thursday morning when I got out of bed, I had a burning kind of pain on the RHS of my belly and it stayed there throughout the day. I read up about it and it seemed to fit the bill of round ligament pain. We tested my urine and it was clean....

Three days later, on Sunday morning, 18 January 2009, we got up out of bed and I felt a bit sore in the cervical area. I told Rikus about it, but we didn't think much about it and the feeling went away after a while, so we went about our day without much concern. I was exactly 24 weeks pregnant and already had quite a big tummy and was suffering from heartburn 24 hours per day, so I was not the glowing pregnant fairy I had hope to be. I complained a lot about feeling very uncomfortable and even told Rikus that I felt ready to pop. He was used to my complaints by then and didn't think much of it.

We had recently appointed a full time maid to assist me with the housework, the cooking and the baby once she was born, so we were hanging blinds in her room and getting it all ready before she was to move in the next weekend. I also decided it was as good a time as any to unpack the linen closet and organise everything, so that there was more space to pack some of the stuff that I wanted to move out of the baby room. I felt a bit tired and had slight cramps, so we had lunch and I settled in to rest in front of the TV. Rikus had a nap in our bedroom. I eventually fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV, but woke up a while later and decided to go the the bedroom where I could put the air con on. When I lay down on the bed I felt a sharp pain and couldn't lie down. I tried to relax and lie down again. When I had the sharp pain again I woke Rikus up and told him about it. He wasn't too worried and told to sit up straight if the pain only got worse when lying down. The pain was getting worse and I went back to the lounge and started to cry. Colby realised something was wrong and tried to console me by wanting to get on my lap. After a while I realised the pains were coming and going so I started to time them. I immediately realised I was having contractions when the pain came and went in 5 minute intervals. I went back to the room and woke Rikus up again, and this time he took me seriously because I was crying. I got into the bath while he packed my hospital bag. While I sat in the bath it seemed to go away for a while but I cried and said to Rikus that I cannot go to the hospital to deliver this baby. I was terrified and started praying for the contractions to go away. I calmed down a bit and called my mom. They were in Pretoria where they were having a show day for their house there. There was nothing they could do for me over the phone, but encouraged me to get to the hospital. I also tried to get hold of my friend Christene, who is an ER doctor so that she could meet me there and phone Dr F to come and see me in the labour ward.

When we got to the hospital I had to stop walking every few steps for a contraction to pass and when we got to the maternity ward I explained to the sister that I was 24 weeks pregnant and in a lot of pain and needed my gynae to come and see me. They immediately took me to a labour theatre and called my doctor. The pain was a little better and I started to wonder if I was over reacting. After speaking to Dr F a sister came in and asked my permission to perform a PV exam. I gave my permission and she donned a glove and stuck her whole hand into my vagina to feel if I had started to dilate. It was excruciatingly painful and I screamed at her to stop as she stuck her hand in further and further. I started to retract on the bed and it felt like I was climbing up the wall behind me while she kept moving her hand inside me. She suddenly looked at me with eyes as wide as saucers and then I felt warm amniotic fluid wash over my legs like a wave breaking. I started crying hysterically and I knew it was the beginning of the end. The sister simply announced to Rikus that his wife was now officially in labour. She said I was 10 cm dilated and that the membranes were bulging towards the outside of the cervix. I tried to explain to Rikus through the tears that I knew nothing could be done. Christene arrived and she was furious that my water had broken and the water was still dripping down the sides of the bed. Shortly afterwards my mom's friend Colleen arrived and she prayed for us while we waited for the doctor to arrive. This is when I noticed that the sister had disappeared and I never saw her again. Rikus was sent to admissions to open a file. This infuriated me even more because I wanted him to be there when the Doctor arrived. Soon afterwards Dr F arrived and he ran to get the sonar machine himself. He asked me how much water had come out and when I lifted up the sheet to show him he was furious and got a bit panicky. He said that with all the amniotic fluid gone, we had to get the baby out. There was no stopping the labour or postponing it. He plugged in the sonar machine and did the scan. The first thing I saw on the screen was the heart beating, and he said the baby still looked fine, but that she only weighed 500 grams and that her lungs weren't nearly ready to be able to breathe. He said that even with a ventilator her lungs weren't ready to absorb oxygen into her bloodstream and that she would live for only a few minutes.

We were discussing a C-section while he was doing the scan but after the prognosis he decided not to do a C-section and ordered a drip to start with an induction. When he did a PV it felt instantly different and better than when the sister did it. He said I was 3 cm dilated. I didn't have any pain or contractions anymore, but I sat there crying and wishing Rikus would come back from the damn admissions. By the time he got back the Dr had gone looking for him and I had to tell him myself that the baby was going to die. I still felt her move and I desperately wanted to have a C-section because I was terrified of giving birth to a dead baby and I was not prepared to what a normal birth entailed at all. The youth pastor from our church arrived with his wife (we are very good friends with them and they live five houses from ours). I had sent them an sms, and they announced our situation during the church service that night and the whole church prayed for our baby and for us. I heard afterwards that many of the people we know at our church were in tears while they prayed for us. At that time Dr F came back and explained to me that I should really make peace with the outcome because my baby was not nearly viable, and that there was no way he was willing to do a C-section and cause possible damage to my uterus which could complicate future pregnancies. We made peace with his decision, but I was still terrified of giving birth naturally and I was still feeling Hayleigh move inside of me. My parents and In-laws came to the hospital and we all sat looking at each other without actually knowing what to say. I was very tired at that point and they left us alone and went to my parents' house for coffee. My mom asked us to call her when the contractions got worse. She is a nurse and wanted to be there with me. They began increasing the drip and the contractions started to get really painful. The doctor ordered Pethidine and Aterax when they started the drip, but it had worn off long ago. To me the Pethidine seemed like a total waste because it had absolutely no effect on my level of pain. The contractions became very painful and when I was 7 cm dilated we called my mom. She came in just in time as I was feeling the urge to push at 2h30. They called my doctor and I was quite hysterical already. The emotional state I was in was bad, and the fear and pain I felt was overwhelming. the doctor arrived about 10 minutes afterwards and the sister and my mom was desperately trying to get me to breathe correctly because I was hyper ventilating. I had Rikus holding my right hand and my mom holding my left hand and they were talking me through it but the pain was unbearable. At one stage the nurse looked me in the eye and told me to stop screaming and I just said to her "Well then, Fuck, help me!!" I started to push and it burned like hell as I felt Hayleigh's body move through my cervix. It was the most painful thing I have ever felt in my entire life!! I did not realise it at the time but her feet came out first and is seemed kind of stuck. the Dr gently helped to pull the rest of her tiny body out and it instantly felt better once I felt her slip out of me. I was crying the whole time, but when I felt them putting her down between my legs, to cut the umbilical cord, I couldn't keep it in any longer and I sobbed and sobbed without giving a damn about the other people in the room. It felt as though my heart was ripped apart. In a way I was expecting to hear my baby cry, but when I heard nothing I realised my dead baby was lying between my legs. I remember vaguely something about the doctor saying to give morphine, but I thought they had given it to me. Only afterwards did I start wondering if they gave the morphine to her. I still don't know. I had to keep on pushing to get the placenta out and at this point the doctor was pressing down very hard onto my tummy. I didn't help. He called the Anaesthesiologist and explained that I had to get to theatre immediately. On the way to the theatre I remember the Dr telling me that they would wash Hayleigh and make her presentable and then bring her to me.

I woke up after the D&C and I asked to see her. They brought her in on an instrument trolley lined with linen savers. Rikus, my mom and dad had already seen her. Apparently Rikus was given a few minutes alone with his daughter and apparently my dad broke down crying when he saw her. I didn't cry when I saw her. I was just about cried out, and felt numb. She was beautiful. She didn't look exactly like Rikus as I had expected. she looked a lot like me at first. She had a fine features and perfect skin. The most adorable little hands and feet. All there, all perfectly formed. I turned her head so that I could see her face from the side and she still felt warm. She wasn't blue or as lifeless as I had expected. I didn't think of taking a picture at that time. They washed me, and put me to bed and I slept for about 3 hours while DH went home to rest.

When I woke up, I just lay there thinking it had all just been a bad dream. Just as the tears started to roll down my cheeks Rikus came into my room and we had a good cry together. Soon afterwards my mom and dad arrived again with beautiful flowers and presents. The rest of the day was spent with many visitors and family. I asked to see Hayleigh again at about 15h00 and they brought her in again. My MIL left the room and went home because she didn't want to see Hayleigh and it hurt me because I kept thinking how could she not want to see our child? Oh well. At that stage Hayleigh had already started to get "droopy". Suddenly there were bags under her eyes and she had bruises. She didn't look at all like the baby I saw that morning. This time she looked lifeless. I took a photo and we signed papers to have her incinerated. They gave us a card with silver prints of her feet. The card said she weighed 620 grams. The next morning I left the hospital in my maternity wear. Arms empty. Pregnancy over.

Our Weekend

We had a fairly lazy weekend and it's back to the grindstone tomorrow, but here is a brief view of what we did over the weekend. On Friday night we had dinner at Ocean Basket and then went to the movies to see "The curious case of Benjamin Button". The film was okay but I think my expectations were too high because I was slightly disappointed. Then on Saturday we slept in and DH spent most of the rest of the day writing reports about the patients he has recently seen. Colby has also recently discovered that if he hides behind the furniture where mommy cannot see him, he doesn't get chased out of the house that often, so he spent most of his Saturday in hiding....

On Saturday evening we went to the movies again and saw " He's just not that into you" I enjoyed the film very much and afterwards we had cocktails and rib baskets at Coobah.

Today we had lunch at my parents house. Here are some pics of my mom and dad:

And when we came home I decided to bake us a cheescake. Not the best thing to have in the house when you are on a diet... but heavenly on the palate.

This is the crust

And the finished product. I decided to make one with a crust on the sides and a thinner one with crust at the bottom only.

Here you can see Colby trying to "help" with the process:

I have been a busy little bee these last few days

Sorry for being a bit absent the last two days but I have had so much work to do and we finished our mid-year stock take, month-end procedures and full reporting of the financial statements (which includes a detailed month pack with all the Financial statements, CEO report, Quarterly reports, detailed stock reports, marketing and margin reports, as well as HR and Logistics reports) in a record time of 3 days this year!!! You would think it is quite exceptional if you had a slight idea of what it all entailed. Luckily we have very good standard operating procedures in place, a system that really works well and everyone does their job to the best of their ability. We are like a well oiled machine nowadays. Sure, we have our little speed bumps and road blocks, but we did very well this month. Plus we are far under budget, and we made our target in terms of a 10 day stock level, which is very very good (and sometimes almost impossible because every ingredient that we use in the manufacturing of the product has to be delivered by Hired Transport from far far away and sometimes it also gets shipped and has to delivered from the harbour, so to only keep 10 days worth of stock in our factory takes a lot of very careful planning and organising).

And now I am exhausted. I still have to do our monthly VAT return and Journal reporting to head office as well as a detailed summary of all our Nedfleet expense allocations and follow up on our Internal Control Matrix, so I am going to be quite busy today as well.

I have been thinking of writing a post of my birth story, but it will have to wait a bit longer.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend ahead. Love to you all!

AF side effects

Today is not a good day. It's clearly because of AF but I feel CRAP. I just want to get into bed and cry. I don't have the strength to deal with a Stock Take today. I don't want to see anyone or speak to anyone. I just want some privacy and a good cry. This is going to be a very long day.... Tick Tock Tick Tock....