BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN
By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ

That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.

'When I say.... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'

I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide..

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...

I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Dear God

Dear God, you know my heart and you know how much I yearn to have a child. Through You all things are possible and I trust in Your promises. I have faith that You will bless us with a baby. But God, I am struggling today. I am feeling overwhelmed, irritable and a little bit angry. I am not angry at anyone in particular but I am angry. I want a baby so badly and I am having trouble coping. I want to be a mommy Lord. Angus Buchan prayed for all the childless couples on Saturday and it gave me so much new hope. But today, 2 days later I am starting to feel negative again. Lord, please help me through this time. Help me to understand that it might not be now, but it will happen some day. Help me to accept the results of this cycle without being bitter. If this cycle if a BFP Lord, please help me to stay positive and keep the worries away from me. Please help me to cope with a new pregnancy. Lord, I need to feel your presence, especially now. Thank You for all the blessings in my life. Thank You for loving me and forgiving me of all my sins. Thank You for a wonderful husband, loving parents, great friends and most all wonderful on-line friends. Lord, please bear the cross with every childless woman that I know. Please help each woman to find some peace in You. Help them to cope with the pain of infertility and loss. Please help their husbands who silently yearn for children too.

Thank You that we can put our faith in You. We serve a Mighty God. With Love, Your Child.

Walk Through

Walk Through
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me…"(Psalm 23:4, NKJ)
TODAY'S WORD
In the Bible, David went through some dark times in his life. But notice in this verse that he didn´t say,"I´m going to sit in this dark, challenging place, this shadow of death, and have myself a pity party." No he said, "I´m not staying here! I´m going to walk right through this situation because God is with me!" Are you going through a dark time right now? If you´ll make up your mind and be determined to walk through, knowing that God is with you, you will see things turn around in your favor.
Oftentimes, those difficult situations don´t make sense. We can have a lot of questions. Sometimes those questions get answered, and sometimes they don´t. But that´s when we have to be willing to trust God and know that He is with us. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us, especially in the dark times. So be encouraged today because God is on your side and by your side. He is your light in dark places. As you trust in Him, He will lead and guide you into the wonderful place of blessing He has prepared for you!
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
"Father in Heaven, today I choose to follow You, knowing that you make Your Word a lamp to my feet and a light upon my path. I will be bold and not afraid, knowing that You are always with me even when it´s difficult for me to see. Thank you for the courage to keep walking even through the darkest times. I thank You for Your comfort and presence to guide me into the life of abundant blessing and victory you have for me. In Jesus´ Name. Amen."

Give your Faith a Target

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see"(Hebrews 11:1, NLT)

TODAY'S WORD
So many people today are depressed and discouraged because they only focus on their present circumstances. They’re constantly dwelling on their problems, what they don’t have, and what’s wrong with them. They don’t realize it, but they’re allowing the enemy to steal their hope. This negative frame of mind is what keeps people from moving forward in life.
Understand today that faith is confidence and assurance about the things we hope for according to the promises of God. Like an arrow, your faith points to the target of hope. If you don’t have hope, that arrow of faith will just drop to the ground. It won’t accomplish anything. But, when you keep your hopes up, when you keep expecting and keep believing, it’s as if that target gets larger and larger—easier to hit!Choose today to live with an attitude of expectancy. Get your hopes up! Start by taking captive any negative thoughts you may have one at a time. As you focus on God’s goodness and faithfulness, you’ll feel that hope inside you growing. You’ll give your faith a target, and you’ll move confidently into the blessings and peace the Lord has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, today I surrender every thought to You. I choose to release my cares and concerns so I can focus on Your goodness in my life. Thank You for the gift of faith to see the impossible become possible as I continue to place my hope and confidence in You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Guess What????????

Guess what girls???? I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! (Picture me jumping up and down every time I think about this!!!)

I had my appointment with Dr F this morning. I showed him the test results I did for Dr V and he suggested we try Clomid (A Seriously big WTF??? moment - this is the same doctor who once told me I was too fertile for Clomid and the likes) and FSH injectables and then try making our babe the old fashioned way. I start Clomid on Thursday (beware readers I might just turn into Clomid bitch), I will then have my first shot on Friday and the second one on Sunday. I go back for my CD10 scan next Tuesday and then I get my trigger shot either next Friday or Saturday. We then have the whole weekend to introduce hubbies sperm to my egg/s. (We will not be participating in any braais, rugby games or other social events, because we will be "busy")
I am super excited!!!!!

PS for those who are insulted by my newbie barbie excitement, catch a hike ladies because I am going to be jumping for joy at the end of the month when I get my BFP after our FIRST medicated cycle!!!!!

The nicest thing ANYBODY has EVER done for me

I got a package in the post today....
I had tears in my eyes because it is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me. My fellow infertility friend and internet sister, Leslie, sent me a gorgeous album and lots of beautiful scrap booking goodies so that I can make an album of all Hayleigh's things. She put so much effort and and love into it. I could just feel how much she cared as I opened it. Leslie has been there for me, during this journey and she has always managed to support and understand me.

Leslie, thank you so much for this wonderful gift and for the handwritten note. It means so much to me. You have touched my heart and you have made me realise that there are people out there who really truly understand what it means to yearn for a child and that there are great lasting friendships that can be built over miles of distance, and mean so much more than the friendships we have with people we see every day. I will always think of you when I look at the album.

I pray that God will bless you soon with the baby you so much yearn for and richly deserve. If ever there was someone who would be a great mommy, it is you. I can just see/feel it in the way you have been there for me.

Lots of love to you my friend. Live strong.

My family

The handsome hunter...

My super sexy hero

My two babies, they just love to snuggle!

Aren't they just gorgeous?

Monday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 87 kg
Current Wieght: 87 kg
Goal Weight: 70 kg
Progress: 0 kg

As you can see, no progress. Okay, Okay I have to admit I was a very bad girl over the weekend.
On Friday night I had Chinese Take out - I especially ordered the Chop-Suey which is mostly veggies and it was divine, so I ate it all. Then on Saturday I had Tuna salad, but then I cheated by indulging in a flake. Saturday evening was just as bad because I had curry stew and 2 pieces of Cheesecake and wine. Sunday was just as bad. We were invited to a family lunch and I had fish soup, 2 filled pancakes (one with mince and cheese and one with chicken and green peppers), and then for desert I had two chocolate pancakes filled with banana and caramel sauce. I must say I ate the least of everyone at our table, but it was still way too much for someone trying to lose 17kgs. So basically I spoiled all the progress I made in the week. Ah well. today is the start of another week.
I have realised this one thing: that I LOVE food. Almost more than life itself.

Monday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 87 kg

Current Wieght: 87 kg

Goal Weight: 70 kg

Progress: 0 kg

As you can see I have not made any progress so far. I am starting with a 5 day detox and then a healthy balanced diet with the tips Nikki gave me as well as some other I have gatehered from my readers. I will be doing the following as part of the healthy diet plan:

8 glasses of water per day

No Caffeine, No Alcohol

Only limited amounts of brown sugar

Breakfast each and every day upon waking

No refined sugars, starches or white bread

Limited carbohydrates

Lots of veggies

Fruit & Nuts

No gassy drinks

Diluted fruit juice

Lots of lean proteiens

Low fat milk

Low fat Cheese

Very Limited amounts of spices and flavourants

A glass of water before each meal

Exercise at least three times per week for at least 45 min

Muscle toning to excelarate resting metabolic rate

AB crunches

Wish me luck!!! Jahni, I would love to hear from you. Hope you are hanging in there.

We have to get our sexy back!!!

WTF???

I got my period on Friday. Seriously WTF is going on? It's right smack bang in the middle of my cycle on CD 14 and I am taking Climen at the moment, so it's right in the middle of the packet where I switch from Estrogen (the white pills) to Progesterone (the pink pills). Something is seriously not lekker, and the sooner I get to see the gynae on the 27th the better!

Diet Dilemma

Okay, I will admit the diet is not going so well. I cut out all sugars during the day but by night time I am ready to commit murder if I don't get sugar into my body fast enough. And it's bad. Think severe Cocaine addiction and then you might get a very slight idea of how I feel when I get home. The past 2 evenings I caved, and that only makes it worse, so I know I have to stop the vicious cycle somehow.


This is my diet diary since Tuesday:
Breakfast: Weet bix, hot water, sweetener.
Snack: 1 cup Veggie soup
Lunch: Wholewheat Peanut butter sandwich
Dinner: Grilled lamb chop, sweet potato, steamed veggies
Cheat: a Tex

Wednesday
Breakfast: Weetbix, hot water, sweetener.
Lunch: Low GI seed bread with ham and cheese
Dinner: 1 Chicken breast (cooked in woolies sauce), pumkin, peas, rice.
Cheat: 2 Koeksisters and a piece of droe wors

The thing is this, I am not eating that much food, but I am eating the wrong foods.
Check out this blogpost at Fertile Healthy:
http://www.fertilehealthy.com/blog/2009/07/08/im-so-over-that/

It's a lot easier said than done to change your whole eating lifestyle.
One thing that I don't want to use as an excuse, but it is the naked truth, is that DH will never ever compromise his rys, vleis and aartapels for a whole food diet. He also loves his snacks like chips, sweets and coke/tab, and I have tried but failed miserably to conform him. But I am going to try my best to at least eat a bit more healthy in the future. and of course I need to get to the gym!!!

Jahni, I would love to be your diet buddy!!! I think we should weigh in weekly and keep track of our diets, exercise and subsequent progress?

Dear Gillian (aka Nikki)

I just did a whole post and it blooody disapeared!!

Anyhow, I was saying that I ate a whole weetbix this morning for breakfast. (Yay)

Someone just came into my office and offered me a cup of fresh home made vegetable soup.
You did say breakfast was the MOST IMPORTANT meal of the day, so should I or shouldn't I?

I am FAT!!!!!

This is not me in the pic, but I kinda look like the LHS and want to look like the RHS.

I saw a few pictures of myself over the weekend and I was HORRIFIED to see how fat I am!!!!

I am huge!!!! Even my face doesn't look like me!!! I am an obese person!!!

I weigh 87 kg and I am 1.74m in length.

I want to weigh 70 kg, so I have 17 kg to lose. You might think 17kg is not that bad, but tell that to a PCOS patient who has Insulin Resistance. It's like climbing Mount Everest. I used to wear size 36/38 clothes, and now I am wearing size 40/42. I picked up a lot of weight since TTC and I have lost some of it after the second m/c, but I fear it might be creeping back on. I want to be the same woman I was on my wedding day, which was already overweight, but at least I looked okay. The best weight I have ever been as an adult was 62kg, but then I was exercising every single day, and eating much healthier than I am now. People were telling me that I was too slim, so I know getting there again will be a bit of a far cry, but if I can just get back to 70.

So, I am going to keep a food diary, so that I can keep track of what I am eating.

Here goes:

Monday, 6 July 2009

Breakfast - Nothing

8:00

Hot Chocolate (I know!!! We bring our own coffee and tea to work and my coffee is finito)

9:00

One Peanut butter and syrup sandwich (white bread) & tea

Lunch

13:00

Croissant with chicken mayo salad filling and guava juice - eaten on the go, in the car.

1 X Metformin tablet taken with the meal.

13:30

Tea

15:00
Tea
18:00
Dinner
2 pieces of baked fish, one whole avo and a baked potato
one custard slice that hubby bought and brought home (I just couldn't waste it!)
A glass of Tab (We always drink Tab instead of coke, and I drink sweetner in my coffee and tea)

1x Metformin tablet taken wih the meal

I will post a pic tomorrow of my fat cheeks for you all to stare at, and then hopefully in three months time we can look at it again and go, "Wow, look how fat you WERE!!!" Edited to add:
I remembered the camera but forgot the USB connection at home!!!

Anyone with any weight loss or exercises tips, please feel free to comment. I am desperate here and open to any suggestions, even lipo.

In other news

BF Doctor went into labour on Friday at 34 weeks, and Dr F wasn't in town so she was admitted to hospital, they did a PV (internal) exam and found that she wasn't dilated yet, but the head was very very low, and the contractions were quite intense. So they started medication to stop the contractions and steroids to strengthen the lungs. We were supposed to have her Stork Tea at a restaurant in town on Saturday morning but it was moved to the maternity ward at Medi-Clinic. The party was held in the exact same labour theatre where I gave birth and it brought back so many memories. Not in a bad way, but it still made me think of Hayleigh for the rest of the weekend. Dr F is back today so hopefully he will have a plan, but I think it might be best for them to stop the labour for as long as possible. Hopefully little Thalita will be big and healthy enough to escape NICU.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband

You have been in Malawi for 4 days now and normally I don't mind it if you go away, but this time I am really missing you.

I know you are working very hard and I am very proud of you.

I just miss your body next to mine in bed. And I miss talking to you about various things. And I miss eating together in the evenings. And I miss watching TV with you, laughing with you, joking around, lying in your arms, and arguing about the TV channels.

I also miss you at night when Sadie wants to go pee, and when Colby wants his food at 5:00 in the morning. I miss you when I need to lock all the gates and when I need someone to run my bath while I lie in for another 5 minutes. I miss you when I have to make hot chocolate for myself and when I have to carry all the groceries into the house by myself.

In short, I need you here, please come home soon!!

Love
Mandy

TMI: Prison Break

Okay, everyone who doesn't want to know how Prison Break FINALLY ends STOP READING NOW!!!

Nikki,

They steal Scilla from Michael's mom and she then shoots Lincoln in the chest. He is bleeding out and she demands Scilla back. Meanwhile the general has kidnapped Sarah and he wants Scilla within an hour. Michael has to decide who to save. He tricks them both and saves Sarah and Linc. Sarah kills Michael's mother when she tries to kill Michael. Paul (from the 2nd season who tried to drown Sarah once and was the Vice President's lapdog) contacts them through one of the first season's Fox river eight and they sell Scilla to the United Nations for immunity.
They are all safe and free. Then it skips forward 4 years and they all gather around Michael's grave. Sarah has Michael's 3 yr old son with her. They have a little reunion and it ends. So you are left to wonder if Michael died from the brain tumor. Then there is a Final Break episode which starts just after they were set free. During Michael and Sarah's wedding she is arrested for killing Christina and she is sent to prison. In short the General wants her dead and he is in the male prison organising her death. Michael breaks into the prison to help her escape and he is killed. She gets out safely. You cry your eyes out.

Hello there

Hi, sorry that I have been a bit absent lately, but I've been quite busy at work and over the weekend. DH is in Malawi for the week so I am home alone until Saturday. Which means that Colby, Sadie and I will be snuggling up together on the bed tonight while watching Greys and Survivor. We also finished the whole Prison Break series yesterday as well as the "Final Break" episode. In the final episode of the season you get to see what has happened to the characters 4 years later and you get to see them all gather around a grave, but in the "Final Break" episode (which will apparently not be on screened - dunno why???) you get to see what happened to lead up to the events and how that person died. All I can say is that I cried my eyes out. It ends on a very sad note.

I feel like taking a break

I feel like taking a break. A break from infertility. I want to go somewhere where infertility doesn't exist. I read through the forum and the blogs everyday and it just makes me exhausted. I feel a kind of numbness after I've been on the boards. So I think I am going to take a break. I will still be blogging but not about infertility and when I feel up to it I will look at the forum but for now I want my life to be like this:

- I want to live again, without planning for pregnancy in my head the whole time

- I want to go onto the pill, so that my mind can't decieve me with pregnancy symptoms

- I want to have normal cycles

- I want to loose weight

- I want to excercise more regularly

- I want to laugh

- I want to focus on something else

- I want to forget

So my plan is to still go see Dr Fourie, tell him about Dr V and Dr V's advice. Hear what he says.

Oh and I also phoned his receptionist and told her that I had been in contact with Dr V and that he recommends a medicated cycle with Letrazole & Menopur. I asked whether he would do such a cycle if I asked specifically for it and what the costs would be and she said he charges for a consultation, one scan and the the costs of the meds. Which will be R205 per ampule and I wil probably need 3 ampules and R290 for the Letrazole. So all in all if I do a cycle here in Welkom it would cost me R1900.

But, as I said I am a bit tired of infertility at the moment, so I think I'm going to put it at the back of my mind until the end of July.

1+1 = 3 ??

First of all thanks to you all for your wonderful support. I know each one of you understands because you have all been through this before.

Paula, Dr V said that Clomid will probably work but it is an Androgen stimulator and because my Androgen levels will already be high due to the insulin resistance he doesn't want to make it any worse. He said that it might work but not in the way we hope for. He suggested that the injectibles will give much better results much faster. I tend to believe what he says because 3 doctors have said no to Clomid already.

I just spoke to Nurse A at Vitalab and she said he was probably speaking of Letrazol which is also a tablet and they cost R290 per cycle and then they would probably give injectables as well at R240 per half amp. (Is this right???) She said the average patient uses about 5 amps per cycle. Does this sound right to you? R240 for half an amp equals R480 per amp x 5 = R2400 per cycle.

So if I've got it right the costs would be:

R980 - First consultation
R1400 - HSG
R290 - Letrazol
R2400 - Injectables depending on which one he decides
R720 - Scans per cycle

R5790.00 - In total
R2370.47 - Bloods

Thus the total cost for this first cycle would be aproximetely R8160.47?

Thats not sooooo bad, but not the kind of money I have in my monthly budget at this point in time.

Eve, I believe you have done medicated cycles at VL before, can you perhaps assist me on working out the costs involved?

A's to your Q's

First of all Deidre don't feel crap! Thank You!!!! This is a POA even if we will have to save for it. DH is allergic to Debt so we are going to have to save.... He hates lending money and will never ever borrow from the bank of wherever for something like this.

The test he wants to do are:
FSH
LH
Oestradiol 17-B
Prolactin
TSH
Free T4
HIV
RPR Only
HEP B
Rubella
Bloodgroup + Rhesus
Inherited trombophilia screen
Phospholipid Antibodies
ANF Only
AMH

POA is to mail him again and ask whether all these are absolutely necesarry and tell him we will be waiting a while before we would like to go ahead. Also, what should I do in the meantime? Should I do what Dr F says and go on the Climen?

My Bubble just burst!

Okay lots to tell:

After Deidre's comment I sent Dr V a long e-mail. And guess what, he phoned me back five minutes later! We had a good long chat and I must say he impressed me heck of a lot.
We decided that I should have CD2 blood tests done and then come for a consultation and HSG.
He faxed the blood tests that are required through to me and I phoned the lab to inquire about the costs involved. R5670.47!!! My medical aid will pay for R3300 but the rest would have to come out of my savings account and I have a whopping R438 left in my savings account. And that ladies and gentleman are just the blood tests. Then I still have to pay for the consultation, HSG, and meds. Firstly let me say that I almost fell off my chair when Dr V called me. I couldn't believe that a FS would be calling me! Usually I phone the Doctors Office and get told that his receptionist will speak to him and call me back, so having a Dr call me was quite a surprise, and I am not even his patient (yet).

We spoke about waiting for AF, going for the bloods on day 2 and then making an appointment before CD13. All set. I was in tears when I put the phone down. Then it dawned on me, what about the costs? We haven't planned this. I was doing natural cycles till about a week ago, and now I am booked to see a FS. An expensive FS, but also one of the best FS. He said that Climen is not the answer to my problems and that I shouldn't even consider taking it. So I can't afford Dr V right now, I cannot go on the Climen, I have an appointment to see Dr F in July. What should I do???? I have been crying over this the whole afternoon, because for a brief second Dr V and I had a plan and we were sorting all this shit out, and then 5 minutes later my world came crashing down. I could do this in six months time. But not now. I need to save money first. But what should I do in the meantime. Do I fly solo and ignore Dr F and just hope and pray for regular cycles?

What would you do?

Edited to add:

He also said Clomid will not work for me but he suggested injectibles (cannot remember the name) and then a timed trigger and timed intercourse. Guess Clomid is officially off the list then.
Have I mentioned before how much infertility SUCKS????

Please excuse my french

But I really need to swear!!!!

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Damn
Fuck

Okay, I feel better already.

I sent BF Doctor an e-mail last week pleading with her to speak to Dr F about a Clomid perscription. BF Doctor then said she would phone him this morning. BF Doctor did so, and Dr F told her he would never ever give me Clomid because of my miscarriage history and because I have ovulatory cycles. WTF??? Why am I on Provera then??? Anycase, she explained a lot of the workings of Clomid to me and I guess it's a no go then. Apparently Dr F says the chances of multiples and over stimulation is too big in my case....Blah blah blah. His answer to my problems are 3 months of Climen. Which is like The Pill, but it is a monocyclic pill which works by regulating my hormones and making me fertile again. I was on Climen for 6 months and fell pregnant the first time straight after going off it, so maybe he is right. But Fuck, 3 months!!!! My life is passing me by here!!

Appt with Dr D - cancelled.

Lord, Give me Strength...

Lord, Give me Strength...

--To keep my cool when another period starts.
--To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
--To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
--To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
--To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
--To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
--To make the right decision about treatment.
--To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

Source: FertilityCommunity.com

I Give This Up to You

'Lord, help me to know that You are enough.
Take my eyes off of myself.
Take my eyes off of the child I desire.
Help me to delight myself in You.
Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child.
I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.

Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You.
Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands.
Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.

Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You.
But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You.
Let me reach out to those around me.
Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.

Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home.
If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan.
Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will.
If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.

Thank You for lifting my burden.
Help me to keep You first!
Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

Source: Hannah's Prayer Ministries

POA

I have a POA! Jippie!

Okay, I phoned Dr D and spoke to his receptionist who made an appointment for me next Thursday morning at 9am.

Dr D is a GP and not my first choice of course, but he has lots of experience in pregnancy, c/sections and deliveries and he has a sonar machine!!! Apparently he specialised in Gynaecology, but doesn't specialise AS a gynae??? Don't know if it's true?

I will explain to him my long soppy story and request a Clomid cycle (or 2 or 3) and then hopefully he will be able to scan me for follicles as well. I have never been to any other Dr except Dr F regarding my girl parts, but I intend to get pregnant and then go back to Dr F. I am after all a high risk preggo. I wonder what Dr F will say/think when he hears that I went elsewhere for Clomid?

There is also Dr S, who has a sonar and delivers lots of babies and is particularly fond of the ladies, but he is just not my type of caregiver, so he is my last option.

A Question for Paula and all the Clomid-sista's

I have a few questions regarding Clomid?

You should start using 50mg from day 3/4/5 of your cycle for 5 days, right? Is it absolutely necesarry to have scans until ovulation and then do a trigger? Or can you predict ovulation accurately and just go mad in the fertile period?

The reason I ask this is because my gynae is so busy that he sees this as a waste of time.
We only have a Medi-clinic in town and he is the only gynae (1 of only 2) I would trust enough to go to. The other one is ancient and the rest are GP's delivering healthy babies. Some don't even have sonar machines!!

Also, if you had this dx would you also insist on a Clomid/Femara cycle:

Age: 29
TTC for 2 yrs 6 months
PCOS and Insulin Resistant
History of prolonged vaginal bleeding after stopping birth control
Treated with Cyclocapron and Provera and then 6 months of Climen
and Metformin 500mg 3 x per day.
First pg: (May 2008) Bleeding since 6 wks then m/c at 9 weeks
Second pg: (Sept 2008) Bleeding from 7 wks until 16wks then m/c at 24 wks (Jan 2009)
Prolonged use of Cyclogest and Utrogestan during both pregnancies.

History after 2nd miscarriage:
1st Period - 6 weeks after labour - lasted 4 days
1 official cycle - 34 days
2nd official cycle - 31 days
3rd Official cycle - 36 days
4 Official cycle - non existent - now at CD42

Do any of you see any reason why I cannot use Clomid or Femara?
And which is the best to use?

I have sent an e-mail to my friend who is a doctor, but I am not sure she will be able to help me.

Q on doing a Clomid cycle

Paula asked whether I have ever considered doing a Clomid cycle. The answer is YES YES YES!

I have asked my doc plenty of times but he always says no, without giving me a reason. He just states that it will not work for me, and that I should keep up with the Metformin. (I think he is just too busy with the pregnant gals than to be monitoring infertile patients and their follicles every second day, and so he hopes that nature will do it's own thing - or that I will get sick and tired and move onto a FS)

Well, I stayed on the Met, got pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant again, miscarried, and now I have no cycle!!!

Clomid is definitely on my list of questions. Hopefully he will give me some.

Just as I thought

I could have been a doctor. I just knew Dr. F was going to put me on ten days of Provera.

He perscribed 5mg three times per day for 10 days. After 10 days you stop the meds and the progesterone levels will drop rapidly and bring on your long awaited period. It's almost like sending a taxi to fetch aunt flo from wherever she is residing. The only thing that I hate about taking progesterone is the pimple outbursts and the sudden urges to eat everything in sight.

Oh well... bring it on.

Ps: did I mention how fucking hard it is to try and see your gynae when you are not pregnant?

The first appt available for me is on 27 July!!!!

CD39

IF you read my other blog you will know that we had a great time in Clarens. I took 2 HPT's with and tested both mornings because we were having lots of wine and unusual food, and AF still hasn't shown so I wanted to make sure. Well no prizes for guessing the result: NEGATIVE.

At this point I have abandoned all hopes of a BFP and I am totally fine with it. I just want AF to show up so that we can get going with the next cycle. Will probably wait till Thursday or Friday, to do a beta (to make 100% sure) and the start 10 days of Provera to bring AF on.

Other than that my TTC life has been pretty boring, but at least we had fun sex instead of baby making sex over the weekend.

Hope you all have a wonderful week, and may there be lots of BFP's all around for those of you testing this week.

CD34 - Flopped cycle, I guess.

I am beyond the point of hoping for a BFP, and I just wish AF would show up. I did another test yesterday which was negative again, so obviously if I was pregnant it would have showed some kind of positive by now?? The breast tenderness has also disappeared, so there aren't any symptoms to speak of anymore. I just hope AF is on her way so that I know my ovaries aren't giving up their normal functions. Missed periods and irregularly long cycles is what usually happens to PCOS sufferers , so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I know I haven't been taking exactly 3 x 500 mg of Glucophage each and every day, but usually it wouldn't affect my cycle too badly.

So from today on I will start behaving and take my meds correctly. I am also going to go back to my old baby making recipe which includes:

- Femtron (2 per day)

- Staminogro (2 nightly)

- Glucophage (3 per day)

- Folic acid (1 per day)

- Ecotrin (1 per day)

- Cilift (1 per day)

- Dilinct Cough Syrup (3 times per day during my fertile period)

LOL, DH says since he has known me, not a day has gone by in which I didn't pop a pill.

The mystery continues...

AF is still missing in action and the Boobs are very very sore, but the HPT still shows only one line. What the hell is going on? We did some baby dancing on Friday night and afterwards I noticed some light spotting. I thought AF had finally arrived, so I was a little disappointed but got into bed and forgot about it. The next morning I expected to to see a full flow, because I felt some cramps during the night, but I was quite surprised to see that there was no blood whatsoever. So this morning I did a HPT and it still showed negative. I don't know what to think anymore. I am a bit scared that my PCOS has gone haywire again and that my cycle is totally out of whack again. I guess I'll wait and see for another week and if AF hasn't arrived I'll go and see Dr F. again. Any of you have any better suggestions?

In His plans, In His Time, By His Grace

Did a HPT this morning on CD29 and got a very definite negative, I know it still early days, because I had a 31 day cycle last month, but then I got to work and had this e-mail in my inbox and it made me it all clear to me again:

At the Appointed Time

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time…it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day"(Habakkuk 2:3, AMP).

TODAY'S WORD
God is looking for people who have a made-up mind; people who will trust His timing. You may not see His promises happen overnight, but they will happen. In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years to have a son and see his promise come to pass. Moses waited 40 years to fulfill his purpose and lead the children of Israel out of captivity. You might say, “I’ve been waiting for a year, and I don’t see anything happening.” No, something is happening. Right now, God is working behind the scenes in your life. He is arranging the right people, the right breaks, and the right opportunities.

Today’s scripture tells us that at the appointed time, the promise will come to pass, and it will not be one second late! When is the appointed time? It’s when God knows the timing is best for you. When you understand and accept this principle, it takes all the pressure off. It’s a very freeing way to live knowing that as long as we stay in faith, God will release His favor, His increase, His restoration, and His healing at exactly the right time in our lives!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, thank You for working behind the scenes in my life. I trust that the appointed time for me is on its way. I am content in You, knowing that You have a good plan for my future. I bless you today and always. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

CD28

AF still missing in action - Check

Boobs still sore - Check

Extreme Fatigue - Check

Slight Twitching in the Uterus - Check

Nausea - None

Mood swings - not really

All these symptoms seem to indicate either bad or good news. The good news being a BFP, the bad news being that I have imagined all them all and I am therefor certifiably crazy.

Will POAS on Saturday, have not done a HPT since Tuesday morning. Hopefully I can abstain from PAOS hell until Saturday.

Will keep you updated!

PS: Thanks to all you wonderful ladies who have been praying and hoping so hard for me. You girls keep me going. Here's to plenty of BFP's all around.

In waiting

As most of you know I am CD26 today. Nothing in the world can prepare you for a 2 week wait, I tell you. I don't know how you IVF girls do it? It astounds me. But then again at least you girls know that ovulation and fertilisation have taken place. I worry about ovulation, timing of intercourse, fertilisation and then the implantation. These thoughts can be bloody scary if they swim around in your mind all day. And I am NOT a patient person. I am actually quite impulsive and I just cannot sit around and ignore things until the time has gone by and it actually happens.

I have been experiencing a few symptoms like sore boobies (but I had that last month too), I've had the slight bit of implantation bleeding, I am very very tired lately (but it's also the start of winter and I usually hibernate during the colder months), I was nauseous last night after eating a chocolate log (could be my blood sugar that's too high) etc. I've also dreamt that I am pregnant, but that happens a lot. So all in all, I don't have a conclusion. I have to wait. Have I mentioned to you before how I hate to wait? I hate to wait.

Anyhow, let me talk about something else. We had our Wellness day at work last week Friday, and they did some screenings of our overall health as a means of keeping the staff educated and in touch with their health status. I had the following tests done:

HIV: Negative (Sjoe! Sigh of relief, for a moment I was a bit scared!! BTW this was done with a smart check test which works like a HPT but with blood. Never in my life have I been so glad to see only one line)

Blood glucose: 8.0 (Okay-ish)

Blood Pressure: 130/80 (Normal)

Blood group: AB+ (Positive is good - rules out the Rhesus factor in pregnancy)

Cholesterol: 3.4 (very low!)

BMI: Slightly Overweight (Damn!!)

So, it seems that I am healthy. Hopefully healthy enough to carry my own baby to term. And if this is our BFP, all smoking will be brought to a very definite halt. I have stopped very successfully before, so this time, if I am pregnant, I will stop immediately and never touch it again. DH has also promised me that he will stop, and it seems like he is very serious, so now we just wait for the BFP.

Comments - Deidre and Angie

Deidre, thanks for your comment. I don't mind at all, but I don't think that's how she got it? I would actually like her to read my blog because that way perhaps someone can get through to her.

Angie, thanks for your comment. I haven't gone password protected yet, because frankly I have nothing to hide, but I have been meaning to and then changed my mind. I just don't want my mom to read the blog and then bring it up in conversation, like she sometimes does. I believe if I needed to discuss any of the blog posts with her and the rest of the family, I would freely do it without having to first write it here. But, thanks for your comment, I really appreciate your gesture.

With regards to Roadkill, well, it's not that I hate her, or don't like her or have any kind of agenda towards her. It's just that she takes a thing like infertility and milks it. To me it seems like she loves being infertile because it defines who she is and it ensures her a lot of attention. It's like a veil she can hide behind, without having to face the dirty facts and get on with it. I believe life is full of obstacles but if you get stuck, then you should at least make an effort to build a bridge and get over it (and yourself). I have truly felt the need to pray for her because she is so lost, but it's something I need to feel right about first. In the meantime, if I need a laugh, I visit her blog.

Hehehe!!!

I cannot help but to laugh at the latest post on Roadkill's blog. Is it just me or is she pitying herself AGAIN? Just get over yourself lady. It's also not very surprising to me that people are always bullying you. Maybe you should see a pattern? You seem to think you are always the hardest hit when it comes to a beating with the infertility stick. For some reason you always suffer the most. You eat the most, cry the most, sulk the most, nag the most, question it all the most, cry some more, and brag about how idyllic your life could be with all the money you have spent on infertility, blah, blah, blah. And whenever you do something good, you brag about it on your blog with pictures and payment confirmation screen prints of how much money you donated to the cause. To me you just seem so immature, but, as I said before, I think it's because there is something BIG missing in your life. I know what it is , but you have to figure it out for yourself. And guess what, if it feels like a judgement, then maybe it's because you are guilty as charged?

Learning how to twitter

As you can see I have registered at twitter and my twitter updates will now be updated on my blog. I have sent some of you twitter invites but I do not have all the addresses of my readers. So if I skipped you, please go to twitter and register yourself there. Once you have registered you can follow each other. My twitter Username is MandyErasmus so you can search for me directly. You can use your cellphone to update your twitter, so it makes a bit easier when you have something quick to say but you aren't able to log onto your internet connection.

http://twitter.com/

Sorry for the confusion

Hi girls. Sorry for the confusion. The pregnancy ticker I added was not intended as a means of sharing some wonderful BFP news, but it was just me trying to be positive. I made the ticker to see what would happening inside my body if I got my BFP this month. My CD1 was on 1 May so I am on CD15 today, which means if conception takes place during this cycle, I would already be 1 week and 5 days pregnant. That means almost 2 weeks of the forty are almost over. Now we just have to wait and see if my egg/s and DH's sperm were obedient.

Dear Deidre

I sincerely apologise!!! I have been to your blog once but for some strange reason I did not successfully add it to my reading list. I have thus been missing out on all your posts. I feel like a horrible blogging buddy. When you mentioned your blog this morning I thought to myself, Deidre's blog? Where? When? Have I missed out? I clicked on your name, got to your profile and saw your blog address there, which alarmed me because I think that's how this second blog of mine blog came out of hiding too. I have just read your posts (all of them) and your story is heartbreaking. And your daughter is GORGEOUS! I remember the pick you posted on FC!
From now on I will be the first to read your posts. Sorry, for my lack of comments, but for some strange reason I did not register.

Ps: this is my 101th blog post. Never thought I would love blogging so much.

Roadkill

Okay so we have a new name for the before mentioned blogger and as Jahni so brilliantly pointed out her blog resembles roadkill, so from now on I dub her Roadkill. Forgive me for being nasty and bitchy but she really gets to me, and I tried my hardest last night to include her in my prayers but I fear that God might know that I am not sincere.

Further more it seems that this blog address has also leaked out. My mom made a comment last night about the whole anointment thing and she could only have known this if she has been here. Got ya! Smile at the candid camera mom!

Okay, so now what? Well, we'll see. I am going password protected, but need to go read up on it a bit first and change the settings and all that, so you'll get your invites as soon as I have made the changes. It's not that I mind them reading this, but I don't need people dropping lines of my blog into conversations and thereby pointing out to me that they do not agree with me. Or to make me laugh and feel uncomfortable.

I have adopted a lot of the eating habits that Nix posted on her blog and I am proud to announce that I have dropped a few kilos. Not much, but I am wearing most of my pre-pregnancy clothes again. It's small changes and therefor it's not dieting and very easy to do. I hope the weight will keep on falling off until I reach my pre-wedding weight. I also look forward to trying out some yummy new recipes out especially Nix's Chicken one.

You know when sometimes someone hasn't done anything in particular to you or against you, but you just don't like the person?

Well, I have a someone like that. It's a cyber friend, or should I say foe, and this person just irritates the living crap out of me. She is also an infertile and I got to know her on an infertility forum and started to read her blog. What bullshit. Seriously, this woman is majorly self absorbed and totally off the road. I have been reading her blog for some time now and sometimes I just smile at what she perceives to be her struggle. Yes, I agree she has had a hard time, and she has had many miscarriages and yes, she has spent thousands on fertility treatment, and at first your heart goes out to this woman, but then you get to know her and you soon realise that this person actually likes all the attention. And that she considers herself the queen of infertility/hurt/grief/you-name-it.

She regularly posts about accepting her infertile state but then a day later goes on about a friend who is pregnant and now she wants to end the friendship. I also noticed on the old forum that this person only comments or "talks" to you when you've had a setback. Only then will she bestow her attention on you, but for as long as you are moving forward and making progress she will ignore you completely. If you get pregnant you are completely out of her little clique. Until you have a miscarriage, then she and her friends are quick to send you a condolence gift (which you have to pay for yourself) while they get drunk on your expense. Some of you might begin to realise who I am writing about.

So, why do I continue reading her blog? I don't know. I usually just scan over the posts quickly and when she starts with her self-pitying I hit the back button.

But why does this person deserve to be posted about by me? Well, I think she just doesn't get it. I guess this is what your life is like when you don't have faith in God and when you are going through this journey all on your own. Yes, she has her DH and friends, but you can hear in her posts that she just doesn't get what it means if God carries you through the hard stuff. She is so far off it's actually funny and I know I shouldn't judge her for her beliefs, but she doesn't have any beliefs. She just believes in her own pain and suffering to make her feel special (and VL of course).

But I took a Christian step and decided today to pray for her. Not to have a baby, I'll pray for that too, but for her salvation and so that she too can see the light. I know about fertility struggles and I know about the longing and the unanswered questions and I know about the dreaded miscarriages and I know about pregnancy anxiety. I don't know everything about it, but there is one issue I know more of than she does and that is faith and the power of the tongue. Can she not see that see is speaking all these bad things over herself? The tongue is a mighty and dangerous weapon and she uses it in a negative way on herself and her life everyday.

Here are 3 quick versus I just downloaded from e-sw.ord:

James 3:8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

James 3:6 And the tongue is a fire,a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

James 3:5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

She recently did an IVF and by the way she was writing about it I could easily see it wasn't going to be a success. She was moaning and groaning about it all the time and she was saying how distraught she was going to feel WHEN it failed. If you talk like this, lady, IT WILL FAIL. Every single time.

I guess I am prejudiced towards her because I don't like her, and I openly confess to you all that I don't like this woman, but I am going to pray for her. Maybe then I'll like her a bit more, and maybe she will slowly realise these things are in God's hands and that she should put her trust in Him and Him only.

Those of you who hate me for not liking her and the way she adores herself, feel free to comment. Those who agree with me, I knew you would.

Be annointed

I have been thinking a lot lately about this cycle and the possibilities of falling pregnant during this cycle. DH and I have been praying together each night while rubbing oil onto my belly (don't laugh) and we firmly believe that even if it doesn't happen right away, it will happen when the time is right. We also firmly believe in the anointment, which is done by salving a person with oil when praying for that person. Well, we have been praying for our baby and we know that the next pregnancy will be a healthy one.

So, I am on CD13 today and last night we did our anointing and prayers as usual, and then I turned on my side in bed and switched the light off. After about 30 seconds DH said to me: " Well I hope you don't think the Holy Ghost will come over you, because we still have to do the sex part". I just started to laugh. We have a planned schedule of intercourse around ovulation time and there I was ready to fall asleep, forgetting about the sex. It's actually amazing and goes to show how much I believe in the fact that God will bless us.

Okay, with all that said and done, if you read in Mark 11:22 you will see that the Bible says that we should believe as if we have already received what we have prayed for. I have tested this scripture before and it's true to my life, so on the weekend I will be going out to buy something for my baby. But, you aren't pregnant you might say, well, I am going to be pregnant soon and I can start buying something for my baby, because I have faith.

But, this has made me start to think about he pregnancy ahead. It's 40 weeks long. Do you know how long 40 weeks can be? 40 sounds short, but if I get my BFP this month it means little Mandy or Little Rikus will be born in early February. Next Year. In case you didn't quite hear me, I'll repeat: NEXT YEAR!!! That's so far away. But I guess it's part of the package and I am going to take it one tiny baby step at a time, with God on my side.

Edited to add:

A Biblical Overview of Anointing with Oil

To anoint means to rub or smear with oil, therefore,the act of anointing can be by either rubbing or smearing. Oil in the Bible is the physical representation of a spiritual reality. Hebrews 9:23-24 refers to such things as a type or "copy” of true things in the heavenlies. Anointing oil represents the anointing of the Holy Spirit or God's anointing and it can be used for:

Consecration – Anoint and pray setting people, children, homes, offices, etc. apart for God's purpose. In Exodus 30:25-29 and Exodus 40:9, Moses is commanded by God to anoint the tabernacle and it's furnishing "that they may be most holy." We are the tabernacle, the holy temple of God. Anoint and pray, asking God to make us "holy"

Impartation – Anoint and pray asking the power of God to come into your heart or the heart of a loved one. As when Samuel anointed David as king in 1 Samuel 16:13 imparting the power of the Holy Spirit The Bible says “the Spirit of the Lord was upon David from time forward."
Emancipation – Anoint and pray calling upon the Lord to set you free, Isaiah 10:27 tells us that the yoke, a symbol of the bondage and oppression of our enemies, will be destroyed because of the anointing oil.

Preparation – Anoint and pray to prepare yourself and others for God's purpose. In Matt 26:6-12 a woman pours a fragrant oil upon Jesus' head as preparation for his death and burial.
In addition, anointing oil is used as a sign of joy (Isaiah 61:3, Hebrews 1:9,) and is to be used for joy when mourning has ended (1 Samuel 12:20-23) for readiness (Matthew 5:7-13), physical healing (Mark 6:13, James 5:14-15), adoration (Luke 7:16-30), to honor a guest (Luke 7:38,46), when preparing to meet the king (Ruth 3:3), for cleansing (Leviticus14: 15-18, Ezekiel 16:9), for burial Mark 14:8), medicine for wounds (Luke 10:34), for disease Jeremiah 8:22). To abstain from anointing with Oil is a symbol of mourning (2 Samuel 14:2).

Moses was commanded by God in Exodus 30:22-25 to use specific spices to make the anointing oil for the tabernacle. In a similar manner today, specific spices (Exodus 35:8), directed by God, are added to olive oil for specific purposes.

Apply the oil in the name of the Lord. Then in faith ask the Father to meet your needs and the needs of others. The power is His; the privilege to pray is yours.

Competitive jealousy

As I have mentioned before, my SIL and I don't share a very healthy realtionship. We get along, but we have a bad history and there is always a competitive atmosphere in the air between us. I can clearly remember the day I found out about her pregnancy. We used to work for the same company and I found out via sms the previous night. I kept my cool and pretended that it wasn't much, and then when I arrived at work the next day and saw my friend Mariella, I just burst out crying and wept in her office for about half an hour. Mariella is old enough to be my mother and we share a close bond. She understands these kinds of things and she is always very outspoken about what she believes. Well, when I saw Mariella and she could see that I was upset just by looking at me it broke down my invisible wall of defense and I just wept. You see, I was the one who always wanted children. These people were always partying and getting drunk every weekend and their main financial priority was having money for their weekly braai.
Anyway, they were determined to have the first grandchild in the family and they succeeded and I have worked through the feelings of jealousy and I have a fairly good relationship with them these days, but I still sometimes get the feeling that they rub their "having-a-daughter-success" in my face.

To give you an example, I have a BFF called Hetta and she shares her children with me unconditionally. We visit them regularly and she always includes me when it's feeding time or bath time. My SIL on the other hand can't even stand it when I hold her child. Yesterday, while we were visiting my MIL her little girl who has just recently started to walk, came up to me, I picked her up and we played a hand clapping game and the little one was laughing out of her belly while we were playing. Out of the corner of my eye I could see SIL getting really upset. She grabbed a tupperware holder with cheese curls out of her bag and started calling the child's name while trying to get her daughter to come to her. I put the child down and she promptly started to walk towards her mother. I am not jealous of her child but she is forever jealous if her child is sitting on my lap or if I make her child laugh. It's absolutely ridiculous. This is just one of many similar experiences I have had with them and it makes me very angry. I just want to stay away from them.

She also doesn't feed the child any kind of real food. M is allowed to have a bottle, yogurt and the custard range of purity. I have lots of other friends whose children are on solids already and eating from the same food as their parents in small amounts, but my SIL believes that her child will get fat if she gives her any solid food. Come on woman!! My SIL is also very thin herself and quite obsessed with being as thin as possible (she was dieting during her pregnancy and weighed 6 kg's less after the birth than she did before she got pregnant) so I guess she wants her child to be like that as well. I keep my mouth shut, but it makes me so angry! I don't feel any of these feelings towards any of my other friends who have babies, so I have asked myself lots of times before if it's just me. I don't think so. She constantly sends me every picture she takes of her daughter by e-mail, but when we are in the child's presence I am not even aloud to hold her? She keeps on talking about the fact that her next child MUST be a boy, etc, and then I just sit there and wonder how simple her life must be if that is her biggest worry in the world. Are these people from another planet? Maybe I am just too sensitive. My MIL is also not helping because she is forever telling me how perfect M is and what a wonder child she is. I know she is very cute, and all, but I do sometimes wonder how my own children will be measured up. I kind of feel like I want to keep my own babies (when I have them) away from these people, but DH will be hurt if I do that, and of course my children will suffer because of their mother. I just don't like this competition and it's exhausting. Sometimes I even contemplate moving to another town to escape it. But running away won't solve our issues. I tell you, I am just so tired of trying. And it's damn hard to cope with all of this without letting it affect you. I want to do the christian thing and just turn the other cheek, but I am upsetting myself and I am starting to hate these people.

Imagining things?

Okay, I have realised that I had a stomach bug or something. Got home last night and felt shaky and dizzy and soon afterwards was lying next to the toilet in an attempt to vomit. Nothing happened but I was very nauseous. I got up and crawled into bed, waiting for DH to get home. Eventually I got up again and went to the toilet when I had bad stomach cramps and a very runny tummy. Then again, and again, and again. I am feeling much better today though, and now at least I know the nausea wasn't m/s. Ha-Ha. Amazing what your mind can start to believe if you want it to, hey? I do still have tingling achy breasts, but that must be hormones or something.

Today is CD8 and hopefully by this time next week I will be starting to ovulate. I have contemplated buying OPK's but it's usually a waste of money because I get Positives every day. I know it's the darkness of the line and all that matters but in the end I drive myself crazy, and it creates unneeded stress in my life. I would rather just BD every 2nd day from CD9 to CD16 and then every day from CD17 to CD20 (My previous cycle was 31 days long, which means ovulation probably took place on CD17). That's a lot of love making and it should do the trick IF there is an egg. And that's a big IF.

SURPRISE!!!

As you can see from my ovulation ticker I should be on CD 7 today.
Well, I have been having weird symptoms lately. First of all, my boobs still ache every now and then, second of all I still feel that stretchy feeling in my uterus, thirdly, I am so nauseous at night that I don't want to eat AT ALL. And I am spotting! So what is happening?

To be frank, I have pondered that I might actually be pregnant. (I hear you going WTF????over there - What about yuur AF last week??)

Well I had similar bleeding in both previous pregnancies. But the bleeding only started after a BFP was confirmed. The only thing I can do to get to the truth is to POAS, but I cannot get myself to do it. To POAS 3 days after your period is RIDICULOUS! And then there is also a bit of delicious suspense in not knowing for sure, but reading the signs. Yeah, I know this is CRAZY WOMAN talk, but it's possible to be thinking this right?

I keep telling myself it isn't possible, but then I feel that sore boob and the nausea, and then I just start to smile when I think to myself in a whispering voice " psst you might be pregnant". But about 5 seconds afterwards I awake from the daydreaming and realise my hormones are just all over the place and the spotting is causing all this crap.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see. I am not going to POAS because this is just POAS-SATAN playing around with my POAS addiction, and frankly I would rather not know.

I actually think a surprise would be nice. A 40 week long pregnancy without knowing it and then one day SURPRISE LABOR PAINS!! SURPRISE BABY!! SURPRISE HAPPINESS!! Without all the stress and anxiety. I would gladly go without the scans and tests if God could just let 40 weeks fly by and then SURPRISE me. I have a baby room all ready. Please God SURPRISE me.

Cycle busted?

As you all know I am on Metformin and Ecotrin at the moment. Well AF arrived on CD32, which I then count as CD1 then, and she disappeared on CD4. But we did the Baby Dance on CD5 (just for pleasure) and I had slight spotting afterwards. Not during the deed, but a few hours afterwards. Then yesterday evening we had a repeat of the BD and now I am spotting again.
I just hope I am not going to start bleeding on and off again. I promise to take the Metformin religiously 3 times a day, and then hopefully we will have ovulation this month. It angers me to think we might be back to square one (where we were 2 years ago when my cycles disappeared and I started bleeding profusely). I just want to be normal.

Dear HPT

Dear HPT

Please accept my sincerest apologies for having doubted in you.

It was not my intention to do so, but I was foolishly misled by the false signs my body and mind were sending me. It was only when our dear Aunt Flo arrived that I realised you were telling me the truth all along. I promise that in future I will trust your judgement and I will rely on your accuracy.

I hope that in future we can continue having a trusting relationship.

Yours sincerely

Mandy

This is starting to piss me off

I think I might be having a psychological pregnancy or whatever you call it.
My body is throwing all these signals and symptoms at me. I had the sore and tingling boobs again last night and throughout this morning and I even felt nauseous when I had to eat toast for breakfast. All this I could still handle by just ignoring it. The about an hour ago,I started having these tiny little twinges in my nether regions. Exactly the same kind I got with both previous pregnancies. I know you all are thinking BFP, but no, still a BFN. And I know you are going to say go for a beta,but I'm going to say, no, I'll wait it out. But, Mandy you are going to go crazy! Yes, I know, but I cannot afford to go for bloods today, because it's stock take again and I am very bussssyyyy, and if I go I will be sitting here for 3 hours doing absolutely NOTHING except staring at my phone. And then I will have to act all nonchalantly when the lab lady calls to say BFN. And also I don't think I can handle a BFP while at work. Not today.

HPT = BFN

HPT = BFN.

Isn't it fun that we can type 6 letters and it will sound like a six sentence paragraph to others in the same boat.

Like if I said:

CD30 = BFN or

CD30 = AF or

CD30 = BFP!!!

Or HPT - CD30 - BFN - AF NO SHOW - WTF?

It's like a secret code, and only those who qualify are aloud to use. Reminds me a bit of my pre-teen years, except those inscriptions were usually used to write love letters. The heartbreaking stuff to us at that age. This time it's still heartbreaking stuff it just runs so much deeper.

Anyhow, you catch my drift, I am on CD30 and HPT still BFN, and AF still absent. WTF?????

Oh dear, the fertility world can be such a crap place sometimes, don't ya think?

Internetlessness

I have been sitting here all day (well for the most of the day) without internet.
I felt like an alcoholic without a drink. Screwed.

Anyway, have a nice long weekend. Hubby is coming back tomorrow so I am going to be busy all weekend telling him how much I missed him all week, and then Maria and Johnny are joining us for lunch on Sunday.

Love you all, BYYYYEEEE

Ps. So glad blogland is still here..

I fucking hate this

I just heard that one of my colleagues is pregnant. It is a colleague I got along with her until I got pregnant the second time and then she started to avoid me because she also wanted to get pregnant and apparently everyone knows about the this pregnancy of hers except me. She has been very rude and cold towards me and I just ignored it to be polite and to keep my side clean.

The fucking bitch. I can understand that she wanted to keep it quiet until 12 weeks, but I am not fucking stupid and when I realised everyone was whispering behind my back I put two and two together. Now we have an atmosphere, and I fucking hate it. Seriously I am fine amongst pregnant woman, so they shouldn't’t go around treating me like I have leprosy or something.

And I know it sounds childish, but now I hope I am not pregnant because I don’t want to be pregnant with her. I’ve felt like this before when I thought that I couldn't’t conceive, but since then I have worked through pregnancy jealousy, but this time I just feel fucking lousy!
I have lots of pregnant friends, so why is this affecting me like this???

I am going for a drive now, I need to get away from this shit hole place.

The suspense is killing me!!

As you all know I have shares in different HPT Companies like Preg-Sure and Spot-On and Clicks, so this means that I have unlimited access to HPT's (NOT!!) and therefor I decided last night to listen to the crazy bitch woman's voice in my head when she told me to POAS.

I used the Preg-Sure Cassette Type which at first didn't show any lines (WTF??), so I left it on the basin and went to bed. This morning I almost fell into the damn toilet when I glanced over and there was a bright CONTOL line, and a very faint TEST line. I tried to take pictures, but the camera kept blurring so you can't see the faint line :-(
(I promise you it's there, I even asked Agnes and she can see it too)

"I KNOW IT CAN BE AN EVAPORATION LINE, BUT AT LEAST LET ME DREAM A BIT!"

This is what I am telling the bitch woman's voice...

Blast from the Past

When did you have your first kiss?
In standard 7 while on Holiday

How old were you when you had your first period?
1 May 1994 at the age of 14 - I was a bit of a late bloomer..

Did you ever have a crush on a teacher?
No - I had ugly teachers

Tell us about your first serious relationship?
I dated a professional rugby player for 3 years from age 20 to 23.
Needless to say he cheated on me, and I was heartbroken after it ended, but gee am I glad we never got married. We would have been divorced by now.

Have you ever stalked someone?
I lived in a student commune while at Varsity with 7 other girls and there was another commune in the same street with male students. We regularly visited there, but we always drove home from their side of the street so that we could see what they were doing.

What make and model was your first car?
A 1979 Blue Datsun Pulsar - named Blow Job due to the color by my student friends. I inherited it from my grandma when they moved to the coast.

Did you ever wear Doc Martins?
Thank heavens no!

What is the most memorable song from your school career?
Everything I do - Bryan Adams

Have you ever done any pole dancing?
Yes, once at a 21 birthday party at our commune, I got a little (okay a lot) drunk and danced around the pole on our "stoep". I couldn't remember any of it the next day, but they had the pics to prove it. I did however still have all my clothes on.

Have you ever been too drunk to drive yourself home?
Sadly, yes.

Have you ever been dumped?
Sadly, yes. By the asshole rugby player after I set him an ultimatum.

Have you ever gone out without wearing underwear?
Sadly, No.

I am pleasantly surprised

WOW, I am pleasantly surprised. Since I started the new blog, so many people have been e-mailing me to get access. I never knew that I had so many readers. You girls are making me a bit nervous here. Suddenly I feel stage fright creeping up on me!!!

In other news, it's back to the gym today with my friend Carli. The only thoughts that come to mind are "Fuck, why did I eat so much crap and drink so much milk while I was pregnant?" and "To anyone who stares at my fat ass in the gym, up yours man, I had a dead baby, I have more reasons to be fat than you do!" No other words motivation are present in my mind at the moment.

Okay, onto other news. We had a good weekend. Friday evening was a bit hectic with lots of last minute shopping and stuff to do, then on Saturday I helped DH pack his clothes for the week long clinic in Lesotho. Then we went to meet his boss and colleagues at the practice where they had to offload everything. We were supposed to be at little Belle's 1st birthday party at 15h00 but only got there after 17h00, because we first had a beer with his coleagues at the guest house. We had a lovely time at the party until a nasty family fight broke out and everyone started yelling at each other. Luckily we are only friends with them so we were just innocent bystanders amidst the family tiff. Nothing serious though, just different opinions and FILS who don't know how to mind their own business. Then yesterday I watched a great DVD by Gretha Wiid on Sex within the marriage. Basically it's about how to keep both sides happy emotionally within the relationship, which then leads to more sex, which then leads a healthier marriage. Gave me quite a lot to think about. I also visited with friends and briefly saw my parents. DH will be coming back on Saturday, so I will have lots of time to myself, which is a good thing, but after a week it gets a bit long. and we cannot phone each other because his roaming was not activated in time.

So who do you guys think will win SA Idols? And do you watch American Idols? Who are your favourites? Or am I the only geek that watches Idols?

Tomorrow we are going to do a nice little meme about secrets of our past and I tag all other blog authors and followers to do the same on their blogs.

Till tomorrow then, I have to work on my gym face now.

Spilling the beans

Okay, okay I have kept you in suspense for long enough so here it is:

1. We are TTC'ing. Yes, I know I haven't had 3 AF's, but it kind of just happened, and DH is very very excited. It's amazing how my husband has changed since Hayleigh was born. He cannot wait for me to be pregnant again. I think the whole pregnancy thing wasn't real to him until he saw Hayleigh. He had a little "Aha" moment and now he wants a baby very badly. So when we went to Sun City I was on CD12 and we have been doing the baby dance non stop this whole week. I am telling you guys we didn't even have so much sex on our honeymoon! I was going to keep it quiet until we get a BFP, even if it takes forever, but in true IF style I also need some TTC support and I was dying to tell someone. Let's hope for a good outcome. What about the diet plans and waiting 6 months, you might ask? Well DH said to me very sternly one night:" you can worry about your body after we have had children" so needless to say I wasn't going to be invited onto the TTC wagon twice. We should be on CD28 by Sunday so I will keep you all posted. I don't actually have high hopes, but it's still exciting. I am also feeling strangely removed from it all. As though I am talking about someone else...

2. I want to open up my own business. A Baby shop. Selling baby furniture, nursery linen, prams, camp cots, toys, diapers, clothes, the works. There are plans for a new mall in town and it would be great if we could have a spot in there. We don't have a similar shop in Welkom (like a Baby City, Baby Boom, Treehouse or a Toys R us) and all my friends with babies in Welkom, Virginia, Kroonstad, Hennenman, Hoopstad and Bloemhof travel to Bloemfontein for Baby gear.
I have casually mentioned a baby shop to some selected people and everyone I speak to thinks there is a good market for it because people are fed up with poor service at Edgars and Game only has a limited range of basics. My SIL even went to Cape Town to buy her baby furniture and 3 of my recently pregnant friends had to travel to Bloemfontein and JHB for a simple cot and compactum. I was also getting my compactum and shelving from JHB before we decided to cancel the order after the m/c. The new mall will only be opening in Oct 2010, but we need to reserve the shop we want on the building plans soon. I am very very excited and for the first time in my life I really really want to take the risk and just do it.
I just have a little Capital problem, and because we are renting our house, we don't have much to give as security. So we need to draw up a business plan and go see our bank manager.

So there you have it.

Angel Kisses

This is amazing, and I have to post it again to share it with you guys. Jahni and I shared the same due date and her precious little girl Nicci was born last week. When I got into the office this morning, I opened this comment on my previous birth story post:

Hi Mandy! I had a good cry when I read your post. I am glad that Nicci wasn't born on "our" due date.When Nicci was born, she had two tiny birthmarks on her eyelids. The paed calls them "angel kisses". I think Hayleigh gave her two kisses, and then sent her to me. Thank you for your voicemail while I was in hospital, and thanks for being the stunning friend and person that you are. xxx

That is so awesome. I am still sitting here with goosebumps. It seems my little Hayleigh will be little Nicci's guardian angel from now on.... That's so sweet.

Closet case for now

Well I have 2 dirty little secrets, but I cannot share them with you. At least not for now anyway. My mind has been totally absorbed by these 2 secrets for the last week, and I need to talk about it to someone.

The first one is fertility related and I cannot really tell you anymore than that, except that we are very excited. There have been no rash decisions made or anything, and No, we are not adopting, but at least I have hope on my side again. In a few days or so fear and worry will also show up, but I cannot elaborate on what is going on until we have a final decision. Will keep you guys posted though. I promise you will be the first to know!

The second is a possible business venture, which is not fertility related but is baby related in a way. We (a good friend and I) are still looking into it and it is still in the distant future, so no heavy lifting being done at the moment, but it is very exciting to be pondering a career change and also very scary if you start to think of all the risks involved. There still is a lot of research we need to do and quite a few calculations and budgeting, and then we'll have to see if it is a viable business opportunity. I am however very excited about it and I would love to be doing this, so lets hope it all works out.

We are off to the in-laws tonight for brother in-law's birthday dinner. Need I say more..

Today is also the day we planned on scheduling my c-section, so I have been thinking a lot about Hayleigh today, but in a good way.