The mystery continues...

AF is still missing in action and the Boobs are very very sore, but the HPT still shows only one line. What the hell is going on? We did some baby dancing on Friday night and afterwards I noticed some light spotting. I thought AF had finally arrived, so I was a little disappointed but got into bed and forgot about it. The next morning I expected to to see a full flow, because I felt some cramps during the night, but I was quite surprised to see that there was no blood whatsoever. So this morning I did a HPT and it still showed negative. I don't know what to think anymore. I am a bit scared that my PCOS has gone haywire again and that my cycle is totally out of whack again. I guess I'll wait and see for another week and if AF hasn't arrived I'll go and see Dr F. again. Any of you have any better suggestions?

In His plans, In His Time, By His Grace

Did a HPT this morning on CD29 and got a very definite negative, I know it still early days, because I had a 31 day cycle last month, but then I got to work and had this e-mail in my inbox and it made me it all clear to me again:

At the Appointed Time

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"For the vision is yet for an appointed time…it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day"(Habakkuk 2:3, AMP).

TODAY'S WORD
God is looking for people who have a made-up mind; people who will trust His timing. You may not see His promises happen overnight, but they will happen. In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years to have a son and see his promise come to pass. Moses waited 40 years to fulfill his purpose and lead the children of Israel out of captivity. You might say, “I’ve been waiting for a year, and I don’t see anything happening.” No, something is happening. Right now, God is working behind the scenes in your life. He is arranging the right people, the right breaks, and the right opportunities.

Today’s scripture tells us that at the appointed time, the promise will come to pass, and it will not be one second late! When is the appointed time? It’s when God knows the timing is best for you. When you understand and accept this principle, it takes all the pressure off. It’s a very freeing way to live knowing that as long as we stay in faith, God will release His favor, His increase, His restoration, and His healing at exactly the right time in our lives!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, thank You for working behind the scenes in my life. I trust that the appointed time for me is on its way. I am content in You, knowing that You have a good plan for my future. I bless you today and always. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

CD28

AF still missing in action - Check

Boobs still sore - Check

Extreme Fatigue - Check

Slight Twitching in the Uterus - Check

Nausea - None

Mood swings - not really

All these symptoms seem to indicate either bad or good news. The good news being a BFP, the bad news being that I have imagined all them all and I am therefor certifiably crazy.

Will POAS on Saturday, have not done a HPT since Tuesday morning. Hopefully I can abstain from PAOS hell until Saturday.

Will keep you updated!

PS: Thanks to all you wonderful ladies who have been praying and hoping so hard for me. You girls keep me going. Here's to plenty of BFP's all around.

In waiting

As most of you know I am CD26 today. Nothing in the world can prepare you for a 2 week wait, I tell you. I don't know how you IVF girls do it? It astounds me. But then again at least you girls know that ovulation and fertilisation have taken place. I worry about ovulation, timing of intercourse, fertilisation and then the implantation. These thoughts can be bloody scary if they swim around in your mind all day. And I am NOT a patient person. I am actually quite impulsive and I just cannot sit around and ignore things until the time has gone by and it actually happens.

I have been experiencing a few symptoms like sore boobies (but I had that last month too), I've had the slight bit of implantation bleeding, I am very very tired lately (but it's also the start of winter and I usually hibernate during the colder months), I was nauseous last night after eating a chocolate log (could be my blood sugar that's too high) etc. I've also dreamt that I am pregnant, but that happens a lot. So all in all, I don't have a conclusion. I have to wait. Have I mentioned to you before how I hate to wait? I hate to wait.

Anyhow, let me talk about something else. We had our Wellness day at work last week Friday, and they did some screenings of our overall health as a means of keeping the staff educated and in touch with their health status. I had the following tests done:

HIV: Negative (Sjoe! Sigh of relief, for a moment I was a bit scared!! BTW this was done with a smart check test which works like a HPT but with blood. Never in my life have I been so glad to see only one line)

Blood glucose: 8.0 (Okay-ish)

Blood Pressure: 130/80 (Normal)

Blood group: AB+ (Positive is good - rules out the Rhesus factor in pregnancy)

Cholesterol: 3.4 (very low!)

BMI: Slightly Overweight (Damn!!)

So, it seems that I am healthy. Hopefully healthy enough to carry my own baby to term. And if this is our BFP, all smoking will be brought to a very definite halt. I have stopped very successfully before, so this time, if I am pregnant, I will stop immediately and never touch it again. DH has also promised me that he will stop, and it seems like he is very serious, so now we just wait for the BFP.

Comments - Deidre and Angie

Deidre, thanks for your comment. I don't mind at all, but I don't think that's how she got it? I would actually like her to read my blog because that way perhaps someone can get through to her.

Angie, thanks for your comment. I haven't gone password protected yet, because frankly I have nothing to hide, but I have been meaning to and then changed my mind. I just don't want my mom to read the blog and then bring it up in conversation, like she sometimes does. I believe if I needed to discuss any of the blog posts with her and the rest of the family, I would freely do it without having to first write it here. But, thanks for your comment, I really appreciate your gesture.

With regards to Roadkill, well, it's not that I hate her, or don't like her or have any kind of agenda towards her. It's just that she takes a thing like infertility and milks it. To me it seems like she loves being infertile because it defines who she is and it ensures her a lot of attention. It's like a veil she can hide behind, without having to face the dirty facts and get on with it. I believe life is full of obstacles but if you get stuck, then you should at least make an effort to build a bridge and get over it (and yourself). I have truly felt the need to pray for her because she is so lost, but it's something I need to feel right about first. In the meantime, if I need a laugh, I visit her blog.

Hehehe!!!

I cannot help but to laugh at the latest post on Roadkill's blog. Is it just me or is she pitying herself AGAIN? Just get over yourself lady. It's also not very surprising to me that people are always bullying you. Maybe you should see a pattern? You seem to think you are always the hardest hit when it comes to a beating with the infertility stick. For some reason you always suffer the most. You eat the most, cry the most, sulk the most, nag the most, question it all the most, cry some more, and brag about how idyllic your life could be with all the money you have spent on infertility, blah, blah, blah. And whenever you do something good, you brag about it on your blog with pictures and payment confirmation screen prints of how much money you donated to the cause. To me you just seem so immature, but, as I said before, I think it's because there is something BIG missing in your life. I know what it is , but you have to figure it out for yourself. And guess what, if it feels like a judgement, then maybe it's because you are guilty as charged?

Learning how to twitter

As you can see I have registered at twitter and my twitter updates will now be updated on my blog. I have sent some of you twitter invites but I do not have all the addresses of my readers. So if I skipped you, please go to twitter and register yourself there. Once you have registered you can follow each other. My twitter Username is MandyErasmus so you can search for me directly. You can use your cellphone to update your twitter, so it makes a bit easier when you have something quick to say but you aren't able to log onto your internet connection.

http://twitter.com/

Sorry for the confusion

Hi girls. Sorry for the confusion. The pregnancy ticker I added was not intended as a means of sharing some wonderful BFP news, but it was just me trying to be positive. I made the ticker to see what would happening inside my body if I got my BFP this month. My CD1 was on 1 May so I am on CD15 today, which means if conception takes place during this cycle, I would already be 1 week and 5 days pregnant. That means almost 2 weeks of the forty are almost over. Now we just have to wait and see if my egg/s and DH's sperm were obedient.

Dear Deidre

I sincerely apologise!!! I have been to your blog once but for some strange reason I did not successfully add it to my reading list. I have thus been missing out on all your posts. I feel like a horrible blogging buddy. When you mentioned your blog this morning I thought to myself, Deidre's blog? Where? When? Have I missed out? I clicked on your name, got to your profile and saw your blog address there, which alarmed me because I think that's how this second blog of mine blog came out of hiding too. I have just read your posts (all of them) and your story is heartbreaking. And your daughter is GORGEOUS! I remember the pick you posted on FC!
From now on I will be the first to read your posts. Sorry, for my lack of comments, but for some strange reason I did not register.

Ps: this is my 101th blog post. Never thought I would love blogging so much.

Roadkill

Okay so we have a new name for the before mentioned blogger and as Jahni so brilliantly pointed out her blog resembles roadkill, so from now on I dub her Roadkill. Forgive me for being nasty and bitchy but she really gets to me, and I tried my hardest last night to include her in my prayers but I fear that God might know that I am not sincere.

Further more it seems that this blog address has also leaked out. My mom made a comment last night about the whole anointment thing and she could only have known this if she has been here. Got ya! Smile at the candid camera mom!

Okay, so now what? Well, we'll see. I am going password protected, but need to go read up on it a bit first and change the settings and all that, so you'll get your invites as soon as I have made the changes. It's not that I mind them reading this, but I don't need people dropping lines of my blog into conversations and thereby pointing out to me that they do not agree with me. Or to make me laugh and feel uncomfortable.

I have adopted a lot of the eating habits that Nix posted on her blog and I am proud to announce that I have dropped a few kilos. Not much, but I am wearing most of my pre-pregnancy clothes again. It's small changes and therefor it's not dieting and very easy to do. I hope the weight will keep on falling off until I reach my pre-wedding weight. I also look forward to trying out some yummy new recipes out especially Nix's Chicken one.

You know when sometimes someone hasn't done anything in particular to you or against you, but you just don't like the person?

Well, I have a someone like that. It's a cyber friend, or should I say foe, and this person just irritates the living crap out of me. She is also an infertile and I got to know her on an infertility forum and started to read her blog. What bullshit. Seriously, this woman is majorly self absorbed and totally off the road. I have been reading her blog for some time now and sometimes I just smile at what she perceives to be her struggle. Yes, I agree she has had a hard time, and she has had many miscarriages and yes, she has spent thousands on fertility treatment, and at first your heart goes out to this woman, but then you get to know her and you soon realise that this person actually likes all the attention. And that she considers herself the queen of infertility/hurt/grief/you-name-it.

She regularly posts about accepting her infertile state but then a day later goes on about a friend who is pregnant and now she wants to end the friendship. I also noticed on the old forum that this person only comments or "talks" to you when you've had a setback. Only then will she bestow her attention on you, but for as long as you are moving forward and making progress she will ignore you completely. If you get pregnant you are completely out of her little clique. Until you have a miscarriage, then she and her friends are quick to send you a condolence gift (which you have to pay for yourself) while they get drunk on your expense. Some of you might begin to realise who I am writing about.

So, why do I continue reading her blog? I don't know. I usually just scan over the posts quickly and when she starts with her self-pitying I hit the back button.

But why does this person deserve to be posted about by me? Well, I think she just doesn't get it. I guess this is what your life is like when you don't have faith in God and when you are going through this journey all on your own. Yes, she has her DH and friends, but you can hear in her posts that she just doesn't get what it means if God carries you through the hard stuff. She is so far off it's actually funny and I know I shouldn't judge her for her beliefs, but she doesn't have any beliefs. She just believes in her own pain and suffering to make her feel special (and VL of course).

But I took a Christian step and decided today to pray for her. Not to have a baby, I'll pray for that too, but for her salvation and so that she too can see the light. I know about fertility struggles and I know about the longing and the unanswered questions and I know about the dreaded miscarriages and I know about pregnancy anxiety. I don't know everything about it, but there is one issue I know more of than she does and that is faith and the power of the tongue. Can she not see that see is speaking all these bad things over herself? The tongue is a mighty and dangerous weapon and she uses it in a negative way on herself and her life everyday.

Here are 3 quick versus I just downloaded from e-sw.ord:

James 3:8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

James 3:6 And the tongue is a fire,a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

James 3:5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

She recently did an IVF and by the way she was writing about it I could easily see it wasn't going to be a success. She was moaning and groaning about it all the time and she was saying how distraught she was going to feel WHEN it failed. If you talk like this, lady, IT WILL FAIL. Every single time.

I guess I am prejudiced towards her because I don't like her, and I openly confess to you all that I don't like this woman, but I am going to pray for her. Maybe then I'll like her a bit more, and maybe she will slowly realise these things are in God's hands and that she should put her trust in Him and Him only.

Those of you who hate me for not liking her and the way she adores herself, feel free to comment. Those who agree with me, I knew you would.

Be annointed

I have been thinking a lot lately about this cycle and the possibilities of falling pregnant during this cycle. DH and I have been praying together each night while rubbing oil onto my belly (don't laugh) and we firmly believe that even if it doesn't happen right away, it will happen when the time is right. We also firmly believe in the anointment, which is done by salving a person with oil when praying for that person. Well, we have been praying for our baby and we know that the next pregnancy will be a healthy one.

So, I am on CD13 today and last night we did our anointing and prayers as usual, and then I turned on my side in bed and switched the light off. After about 30 seconds DH said to me: " Well I hope you don't think the Holy Ghost will come over you, because we still have to do the sex part". I just started to laugh. We have a planned schedule of intercourse around ovulation time and there I was ready to fall asleep, forgetting about the sex. It's actually amazing and goes to show how much I believe in the fact that God will bless us.

Okay, with all that said and done, if you read in Mark 11:22 you will see that the Bible says that we should believe as if we have already received what we have prayed for. I have tested this scripture before and it's true to my life, so on the weekend I will be going out to buy something for my baby. But, you aren't pregnant you might say, well, I am going to be pregnant soon and I can start buying something for my baby, because I have faith.

But, this has made me start to think about he pregnancy ahead. It's 40 weeks long. Do you know how long 40 weeks can be? 40 sounds short, but if I get my BFP this month it means little Mandy or Little Rikus will be born in early February. Next Year. In case you didn't quite hear me, I'll repeat: NEXT YEAR!!! That's so far away. But I guess it's part of the package and I am going to take it one tiny baby step at a time, with God on my side.

Edited to add:

A Biblical Overview of Anointing with Oil

To anoint means to rub or smear with oil, therefore,the act of anointing can be by either rubbing or smearing. Oil in the Bible is the physical representation of a spiritual reality. Hebrews 9:23-24 refers to such things as a type or "copy” of true things in the heavenlies. Anointing oil represents the anointing of the Holy Spirit or God's anointing and it can be used for:

Consecration – Anoint and pray setting people, children, homes, offices, etc. apart for God's purpose. In Exodus 30:25-29 and Exodus 40:9, Moses is commanded by God to anoint the tabernacle and it's furnishing "that they may be most holy." We are the tabernacle, the holy temple of God. Anoint and pray, asking God to make us "holy"

Impartation – Anoint and pray asking the power of God to come into your heart or the heart of a loved one. As when Samuel anointed David as king in 1 Samuel 16:13 imparting the power of the Holy Spirit The Bible says “the Spirit of the Lord was upon David from time forward."
Emancipation – Anoint and pray calling upon the Lord to set you free, Isaiah 10:27 tells us that the yoke, a symbol of the bondage and oppression of our enemies, will be destroyed because of the anointing oil.

Preparation – Anoint and pray to prepare yourself and others for God's purpose. In Matt 26:6-12 a woman pours a fragrant oil upon Jesus' head as preparation for his death and burial.
In addition, anointing oil is used as a sign of joy (Isaiah 61:3, Hebrews 1:9,) and is to be used for joy when mourning has ended (1 Samuel 12:20-23) for readiness (Matthew 5:7-13), physical healing (Mark 6:13, James 5:14-15), adoration (Luke 7:16-30), to honor a guest (Luke 7:38,46), when preparing to meet the king (Ruth 3:3), for cleansing (Leviticus14: 15-18, Ezekiel 16:9), for burial Mark 14:8), medicine for wounds (Luke 10:34), for disease Jeremiah 8:22). To abstain from anointing with Oil is a symbol of mourning (2 Samuel 14:2).

Moses was commanded by God in Exodus 30:22-25 to use specific spices to make the anointing oil for the tabernacle. In a similar manner today, specific spices (Exodus 35:8), directed by God, are added to olive oil for specific purposes.

Apply the oil in the name of the Lord. Then in faith ask the Father to meet your needs and the needs of others. The power is His; the privilege to pray is yours.

Competitive jealousy

As I have mentioned before, my SIL and I don't share a very healthy realtionship. We get along, but we have a bad history and there is always a competitive atmosphere in the air between us. I can clearly remember the day I found out about her pregnancy. We used to work for the same company and I found out via sms the previous night. I kept my cool and pretended that it wasn't much, and then when I arrived at work the next day and saw my friend Mariella, I just burst out crying and wept in her office for about half an hour. Mariella is old enough to be my mother and we share a close bond. She understands these kinds of things and she is always very outspoken about what she believes. Well, when I saw Mariella and she could see that I was upset just by looking at me it broke down my invisible wall of defense and I just wept. You see, I was the one who always wanted children. These people were always partying and getting drunk every weekend and their main financial priority was having money for their weekly braai.
Anyway, they were determined to have the first grandchild in the family and they succeeded and I have worked through the feelings of jealousy and I have a fairly good relationship with them these days, but I still sometimes get the feeling that they rub their "having-a-daughter-success" in my face.

To give you an example, I have a BFF called Hetta and she shares her children with me unconditionally. We visit them regularly and she always includes me when it's feeding time or bath time. My SIL on the other hand can't even stand it when I hold her child. Yesterday, while we were visiting my MIL her little girl who has just recently started to walk, came up to me, I picked her up and we played a hand clapping game and the little one was laughing out of her belly while we were playing. Out of the corner of my eye I could see SIL getting really upset. She grabbed a tupperware holder with cheese curls out of her bag and started calling the child's name while trying to get her daughter to come to her. I put the child down and she promptly started to walk towards her mother. I am not jealous of her child but she is forever jealous if her child is sitting on my lap or if I make her child laugh. It's absolutely ridiculous. This is just one of many similar experiences I have had with them and it makes me very angry. I just want to stay away from them.

She also doesn't feed the child any kind of real food. M is allowed to have a bottle, yogurt and the custard range of purity. I have lots of other friends whose children are on solids already and eating from the same food as their parents in small amounts, but my SIL believes that her child will get fat if she gives her any solid food. Come on woman!! My SIL is also very thin herself and quite obsessed with being as thin as possible (she was dieting during her pregnancy and weighed 6 kg's less after the birth than she did before she got pregnant) so I guess she wants her child to be like that as well. I keep my mouth shut, but it makes me so angry! I don't feel any of these feelings towards any of my other friends who have babies, so I have asked myself lots of times before if it's just me. I don't think so. She constantly sends me every picture she takes of her daughter by e-mail, but when we are in the child's presence I am not even aloud to hold her? She keeps on talking about the fact that her next child MUST be a boy, etc, and then I just sit there and wonder how simple her life must be if that is her biggest worry in the world. Are these people from another planet? Maybe I am just too sensitive. My MIL is also not helping because she is forever telling me how perfect M is and what a wonder child she is. I know she is very cute, and all, but I do sometimes wonder how my own children will be measured up. I kind of feel like I want to keep my own babies (when I have them) away from these people, but DH will be hurt if I do that, and of course my children will suffer because of their mother. I just don't like this competition and it's exhausting. Sometimes I even contemplate moving to another town to escape it. But running away won't solve our issues. I tell you, I am just so tired of trying. And it's damn hard to cope with all of this without letting it affect you. I want to do the christian thing and just turn the other cheek, but I am upsetting myself and I am starting to hate these people.

Imagining things?

Okay, I have realised that I had a stomach bug or something. Got home last night and felt shaky and dizzy and soon afterwards was lying next to the toilet in an attempt to vomit. Nothing happened but I was very nauseous. I got up and crawled into bed, waiting for DH to get home. Eventually I got up again and went to the toilet when I had bad stomach cramps and a very runny tummy. Then again, and again, and again. I am feeling much better today though, and now at least I know the nausea wasn't m/s. Ha-Ha. Amazing what your mind can start to believe if you want it to, hey? I do still have tingling achy breasts, but that must be hormones or something.

Today is CD8 and hopefully by this time next week I will be starting to ovulate. I have contemplated buying OPK's but it's usually a waste of money because I get Positives every day. I know it's the darkness of the line and all that matters but in the end I drive myself crazy, and it creates unneeded stress in my life. I would rather just BD every 2nd day from CD9 to CD16 and then every day from CD17 to CD20 (My previous cycle was 31 days long, which means ovulation probably took place on CD17). That's a lot of love making and it should do the trick IF there is an egg. And that's a big IF.

SURPRISE!!!

As you can see from my ovulation ticker I should be on CD 7 today.
Well, I have been having weird symptoms lately. First of all, my boobs still ache every now and then, second of all I still feel that stretchy feeling in my uterus, thirdly, I am so nauseous at night that I don't want to eat AT ALL. And I am spotting! So what is happening?

To be frank, I have pondered that I might actually be pregnant. (I hear you going WTF????over there - What about yuur AF last week??)

Well I had similar bleeding in both previous pregnancies. But the bleeding only started after a BFP was confirmed. The only thing I can do to get to the truth is to POAS, but I cannot get myself to do it. To POAS 3 days after your period is RIDICULOUS! And then there is also a bit of delicious suspense in not knowing for sure, but reading the signs. Yeah, I know this is CRAZY WOMAN talk, but it's possible to be thinking this right?

I keep telling myself it isn't possible, but then I feel that sore boob and the nausea, and then I just start to smile when I think to myself in a whispering voice " psst you might be pregnant". But about 5 seconds afterwards I awake from the daydreaming and realise my hormones are just all over the place and the spotting is causing all this crap.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see. I am not going to POAS because this is just POAS-SATAN playing around with my POAS addiction, and frankly I would rather not know.

I actually think a surprise would be nice. A 40 week long pregnancy without knowing it and then one day SURPRISE LABOR PAINS!! SURPRISE BABY!! SURPRISE HAPPINESS!! Without all the stress and anxiety. I would gladly go without the scans and tests if God could just let 40 weeks fly by and then SURPRISE me. I have a baby room all ready. Please God SURPRISE me.

Cycle busted?

As you all know I am on Metformin and Ecotrin at the moment. Well AF arrived on CD32, which I then count as CD1 then, and she disappeared on CD4. But we did the Baby Dance on CD5 (just for pleasure) and I had slight spotting afterwards. Not during the deed, but a few hours afterwards. Then yesterday evening we had a repeat of the BD and now I am spotting again.
I just hope I am not going to start bleeding on and off again. I promise to take the Metformin religiously 3 times a day, and then hopefully we will have ovulation this month. It angers me to think we might be back to square one (where we were 2 years ago when my cycles disappeared and I started bleeding profusely). I just want to be normal.

Dear HPT

Dear HPT

Please accept my sincerest apologies for having doubted in you.

It was not my intention to do so, but I was foolishly misled by the false signs my body and mind were sending me. It was only when our dear Aunt Flo arrived that I realised you were telling me the truth all along. I promise that in future I will trust your judgement and I will rely on your accuracy.

I hope that in future we can continue having a trusting relationship.

Yours sincerely

Mandy